


Sorry

by Stonewall1862



Series: Fresh Bruises [6]
Category: Bring Me The Horizon
Genre: Dorks in Love, F/M, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Hurts So Good, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Service Dogs, drunk! Kellin, mental breakdowns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 09:32:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18808456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stonewall1862/pseuds/Stonewall1862
Summary: With Spring Semester underway, Kellin notices that Vic just isn't himself. He's missing Rachel. Oli and Kellin set about to cheer him up, but in doing so put strain on their own relationship that is already under tremendous stress. Will Kellin realize what he doing in time to save them, or will Oli implode before he gets his chance?





	Sorry

               “So did your wife and you find out what it is, or do you want to be surprised?” Oliver asked, shifting through his prints as he tried to find the right one. He needed to reorganize his desk. At least everything else seemed to be coming back together after he had left it in disarray at Christmas.

               “It’s a boy,” the other lanky man in the office said, looking up from his computer station. He had near black hair, like Kellin, but kept it cropped short, and the lightest blue eyes that Oli had ever seen. “My wife I think is more chuffed than I am. I’m just happy with a healthy baby, and a job to provide for them.” It was so nice to hear an English accent again as well.

               “If you thank me one more time Jordan I’m going to make you hang out with Mat for the rest of the day,” he teased, finally finding the print and adding it to the file for that store. Jordan had gone to college for this sort of thing and knew perhaps more about logistics and design than Oli certainly did. Having hired him, along with Lee Malia, the previous week, Oli could already feel his load lessening. Drop Dead was back on track and Jordan was the perfect person to help him navigate at the helm. It also helped that he was genuinely kind, empathetic, and was originally from Yorkshire.

               “Have you ever thought of children?” Jordan asked politely. “Nevermind,” he added after Oli didn’t answer.

               “No, it’s alright. Kellin and I haven’t really discussed it proper like. We’re just mostly focused on getting Kellin through school. He’ll be fine though; he’s so smart. For now, that’s the only child we will need,” Oli answered, tilting his head toward the little miniature pinscher snoozing in the dog bed to the side of his design table.

               “Well that’s fair. Oskar is the best child,” Jordan chuckled. At the sounds of his name, the little dog perked up and wagged his whip tail. “Right Oskar?” The dog came alive and leapt from the bed, his graceful limbs bounding toward Jordan as the man leaned down and pet him enthusiastically. That had been what sold him on Jordan when he had been conducting interviews. He had brought Oskar along, and while shy around most people, he had instantly clicked with the dark-haired man. Jordan even insisted on taking him out for quick potty breaks when Oli was busy. If Oli could trust him with his dog, he could trust him with the company.

 

 

               Kellin blinked. And linked again. When had the teacher moved the slide? Shaking his head to get in the game, he jotted down some notes and looked at the clock. Five more minutes. He could make that. Then he could be free.

               The professor ended up going a few minutes over, which was comparable to a war crime on a Friday afternoon, but at least he was out of there, and out into the blistering cold of January soon enough. He couldn’t wait to get home and play some video games with Vic and not use his brain for a few hours, especially after that accounting lecture. Dropping his backpack and lunch bag on the table, he immediately went over to Vic’s. Save the evening when Vic wasn’t sure if Kellin might be with Oli, they never knocked on one another’s doors anymore, and Kellin knew Vic’s apartment about as well as Vic knew his and Oli’s at that point.

               What he hadn’t expected was to come in and find it quiet, soft acoustic music coming from the bedroom. Unsure, he peeked his head in and saw Vic laying on his bed napping, tissues strewn about. Like Kellin, Vic had never been particularly tidy, and his text books and various dishes were piled high on his desk, bedsheets haphazard, dust laying in untouched places. He felt a surge of affection for Oli, who kept their place so clean. This was short-lived though as he realized that there were tear tracks on Vic’s face. He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Vic cry, and it left Kellin’s heart deeply troubled.

               As Kellin cleared his throat, Vic startled out of his nap. There was an awkward moment of tension as Vic woke, smoothing back his long curls as he tried to look anywhere but Kellin.

               “Sorry, I forgot you were coming over,” Vic fidgeted, gathering his tissues.

               “Dude it’s not big deal. What has you upset?” Kellin frowned, clearing Vic’s desk chair and flipping it around to sit on it while resting his arms on the back.

               “It’s stupid.”

               “Oli tells me the same thing all the time. It’s rarely stupid. Spill.”

               “I just…miss her, y’know? Or probably not. Oli is with you 24/7.”

               “I get it Vic. I know Rachel is your rock. You’ve been dating forever. Have you talked to her about it?”

               “Yeah. She feels the same. It’s just hard sometimes. Like…and I don’t want you and Oli to act any different, but when I see you two together, it just makes me miss her more. Like I want to be with her all the time. And some days I just want to quit and go live with her, but I think her and my parents would kill me.” Vic’s eyes looked suspiciously wet again.

               Kellin felt stuck. Aside from dragging Rachel to their college, he didn’t know how to make Vic happy again. “That’s really shitty man. Anything I can do to help?”

               “Distract me? It’s like when I have exams and stuff I get busy, and it doesn’t hurt as much. But the semester is just starting and all I think about is her.”

               “I can do distractions,” Kellin smirked, trying to raise his spirits. “I have a boot with my name on it so you can use it to kick my butt in FIFA right now in fact!” Vic sniffed one last time and allowed himself to mirror his best friend. “And Vic?”

               “Yeah?”

               “If you need Oli and me to tone it down, we can. Oli will understand. He likes you.”

               “It’s alright man. And of course he likes me! It’s impossible not to like me!”

               “It’s probably also because you jumped onto a ship with him to save me, and maybe because you stick up for him sometimes. I know he always acts super embarrassed about that stuff but secretly I think he likes it.”

               “Well that too I guess,” Vic shrugged.

               As they walked back across the hall to get settled in with the xbox he sent a quick text to Oli to let him know that Vic was feeling down, so Kellin would order pizza for dinner to cheer him up. Of course the taller bot was completely fine with it, as it meant he didn’t have to cook.

               And so it was as he was getting his ass kicked again that Oli arrived that evening with pizza and Oskar.

               “There’s my little land shark!” Vic grinned excitedly as the tiny dog launched itself at him. Ever since they had been introduced, they’d become fast friends, though Vic still maintained that the dog needed a sombrero.

               “You’re home early,” Kellin welcomed, looking at the clock and smelling the heavenly scent of melted cheese on fluffy dough with naught but a layer of red sauce in between.

               “Yeah Jordan helped me finish the order for Pop, so I figured I would come back a bit early. He’s really great at navigating what clients want. He’s even thought of new packaging supplies to make it just that much more brilliant,” Oli glowed. Kellin felt the faint stab of jealousy, but given what had happened the last time he said anything about a secretary, he swallowed it. Oli was finally looking healthy and back to his normal self, and Kellin wouldn’t trade that for anything. Before he could say anything, however, Oli’s brows furrowed. “Oy, what’s this?” he asked, holding up something that looked akin to what might happen if someone made a coffee mug out of ice cream and then stuck it in the microwave for a minute. Thick on one side, drooping on the other and a hideous shade of chartreuse, it was the Frankenstein’s Monster of mugs.

               “Dude is that from your pottery class?” Vic laughed, seeing Kellin’s non-plussed face.

               “Please throw that out,” Kellin cringed. “I am so shit at it.” He went to snatch at it to toss into the garbage, but Oli held it out of his reach, giving him a reproachful look.

               “No way! I love it and am going to keep it now,” Oli challenged, holding the mug to his chest.

               Kellin sighed exhasperatedly, “But it’s ugly and chipped and-“

               “Which means it suits me proper like,” Oli stuck his tongue out, and then proceeded to pour his soda into it. At least it didn’t leak.

               “Only you could love a mug like that,” Kellin sighed, taking his pizza back to the living room to finish getting his butt handed to him. Oli watched for awhile, his dry commentary making both Kellin and Vic laugh.

               “If anyone were any worse than you are at this game, I would assume they were blind,” he sniggered from his spot on the couch, Oskar curled up in his lap.

               “You’re my boyfriend! Aren’t you supposed to be supportive?”

               “Yes. I’m supposed to be honest with you as well, and in that I can honestly tell you that Vic better get a better bucket and mop because he’s thoroughly wiping the floor with you.” This earned him a high-five from Vic.

               After giving up FIFA and winning at least one round of Jenga, Kellin bit Vic goodbye that night, Vic quietly thanking him for being there. Thus it was with a heavy heart that he crawled into bed that night, watching Oli shower and clean up in the bathroom as he lay. Long sinews of tattooed skin had returned, and the healthy pallor to his skin was back. Even with his scars he was striking, with high cheekbones and well-proportioned limbs. Kellin thought it was a wonder that he hadn’t been spotted to be a model sometimes. He was graceful too, and there was a certain mesmerizing pleasure just from watching him move, completing even something as mundane as flossing and brushing his teeth.

               “Vic feeling better now?” Oli asked as he slipped on his favorite sleeping hoodie, dashed the light on the nightstand, and lifted Oskar up to the bed.

               Kellin pulled the boy close and tangled their limbs. With the bitter cold, snuggling had become a way of life, though Kellin felt he often got the short end of the stick. Oli held no heat with his thin body and typically leached from Kellin, so much so that Oskar had taken to sleeping at his back instead of Oli’s. They had even broken down and bought flannel sheets. “For today, but he really misses Rachel. I wish there was something I could do to help distract him,” he said thoughtfully, letting his head rest on Oli’s bicep, the other playing with his hair in a way Kellin loved.

               “Hm. Why don’t I invite him to run with me a few times a week. I’m supposed to keep active and build muscle at this stage. I can have him teach me how to cook more things for you too. I haven’t mastered any sort of fish…”

               “I love you,” Kellin smiled softly and kissed the other boy’s jaw sweetly, a surge of affection running through him. Vic wasn’t even Oli’s best friend, but because he mattered to Kellin, Oli would of course help. “Gotta think of something I can do as well though.”

               “Why don’t you take him to a do?”

               “A what?”

               “A party. Aren’t those a regular occurrence at Uni? Go make some friends, have a laugh, and get his mind off Rachel for a few hours.”

               Kellin rubbed a thumb over Oli’s hip with ardor. “You alright spending Saturday night alone? I know the party scene is exactly your thing…”

               “I’ll occupy myself with something. Vic’s a good bloke. If he feels better it will be worth it. Just go make sure he has a good time.”

               “You’re the best,” Kellin kissed him again, then settled back down, pulling the comforter up. Wrapped in his boyfriend’s arms, he slowly drifted off to sleep.

               That week he ran the plan with Vic. Oli had been taking him running every morning, despite the snow and bitter cold, though it was comical to see the two figures come back with their eyebrows full of ice. Oli would then thaw with some hot tea and make himself up a water bottle with a powder Gatorade to take with him to work. Vic simply went back to his apartment, showered, grabbed coffee and a few boiled eggs and went with Kellin to class if they had a class together.

               It was in Accounting, where Miranda sat close by that he asked. He knew she belonged to a sorority, and had invited him several times to one of their parties, though Kellin had always declined because Oli would have never gone. But with Oli’s blessing, he could finally get a taste of college parties.

               “You actually want to come?” Miranda asked, taken aback but very much pleased, a dark look in her eye.

               “Yeah. Vic and I would like to come if that’s alright with you?” Kellin inquired. People filed past in their rows as they came in for the lecture.

               “That’s totally fine! I’m surprised you’re not bringing you boyfriend.”

               “Oli isn’t really into crowds and stuff. He doesn’t mind me going though,” Kellin shrugged.

               “That’s nice of him to let you come,” she smiled with sugar. “I guess he’s not as controlling as you make him out to be.”

               Unsure of what to say, Kellin slapped a neutral expression onto his face and turned back in his seat. It’s not like Oli forbid him to come or anything. He just knew that Oli didn’t like crowds, and likely wouldn’t want to come to a party with all the drinking and booming music. He didn’t mind pubs, but clubs and parties were too loud and crowded for him. What a shitty boyfriend he would be to not care that Oli couldn’t handle those environments. Heck he had learned that the first day he’d met him in Chorus!

              

 

The following Saturday Kellin caught Oli watching him out of the corner of his eyes as he cleaned up in their bathroom. The taller boy leaned against the doorframe and let his soft amber eyes trail appreciably down Kellin’s form. Something about the way Oli looked at him reminded him of the way one would look at a beautiful statue in an art museum. “The shirt fits you proper,” he murmured, to which Kellin agreed. It was one of the new designs from Drop Dead, and Oli had made it with Kellin in mind.

“Some genius designer made it I think,” Kellin winked and tucked his hair back on last time. It was hard not to just grab Oli and drag him to the bed and spend the rest of the evening with him there as Kellin slid by him to grab his wallet. Oli followed him to the door where Vic was waiting, his usual dark shirt and jeans, along with a hat to hold back his long hair.

“Hey I brought something for pre-gaming at Miranda’s!” he said, holding up a bottle of whisky.

Seeing the offending object Kellin quickly covered his mouth and turned away. He couldn’t even stand to think about that liquid fire.

“What’s wrong with it?” Vic asked, concerned with his friend’s reaction to it.

Oli just chuckled though and answered for him. “Kells got pissed on it in Scotland. Maybe stick to ales tonight.” Kellin felt Oli’s cool fingers slide into his own and held them loosely. “You have your cell on you?”

“Yes mother…”

“Be careful please. If you’re really pissed I’ll come get you if you need me.” Kellin allowed himself to be coddled before extricating his hand.

“Don’t worry mama Oli, I’ll have your muffin back to you by the stroke of…whenever we’re done,” Vic grinned, which Oli did his best to return, despite it not reaching his eyes. Instead Oli picked up Oskar like a security blanket, the little dog happily licking at his chin.

“Oskar and me will be waiting,” he bid them goodbye, and Kellin gave him one last reassuring peck on the cheek before leaving.

The air was frozen, and the sky clear as they walked back to the houses where the sororities and fraternities stayed. “I love him, but he worries,” Kellin sighed, shrugging his jacket tighter.

“It’s kind of sweet really. I mean, Rachel always texts me when she’s going to a party, and then texts me when she gets back to her dorm, so I know she’s safe. And if he didn’t want you to go, he wouldn’t have suggested it right?”

“That’s true,” Kellin nodded. It was too cold to hold more conversation, and he was glad to see the huge house come into view. Even from outside he could hear the music blasting, other students traipsing in and out of the front door. As soon as he was in, though, he and Vic saw a bunch of students in their accounting lecture who waved them over. Soon they had drinks in hand and were enjoying ragging on their professors lectures and playing cards against humanity.

Kellin discovered a few things that night. The first was that he might be a klutz otherwise, but he was a natural at beer pong. Vic, Miranda, and a couple other girls cheered him on readily, though he was mostly happy to see Vic’s smile reach his eyes. The second thing he learned was that some guys had a higher tolerance for alcohol, and he needed to pace himself in order to maintain that buzzed feeling, and not quite the black-out drunk he had been in Scotland. But that was hard after Miranda brought out tequila and a shot glass. Even the older students seemed impressed with his ability to imbibe.

The one thing he already knew was that Vic was just as much fun drunk as sober. He played beer pong, chatted animatedly with their class and genuinely seemed to have a good time. Loyal to a fault, he stuck with Kellin, but after tequila with chasers it slowly dawned on him that they were both wrecked. The last thing he recalled of the evening was feeling his phone in his pocket buzzing. Pulling it out he looked at the lock screen, upon which the photo of a pale youth with brown hair and a flower crown grinned back at him. The green light meant that’s who was calling him, right? But he was too slow to answer, and instead the boy in the picture messaged him, asking how he was doing, making sure he was ok to walk home. Home? He didn’t want to walk out in the cold. And he let the phone know that much.

SYKED: I’ll come get you with the car.

And that was the last thing he could recall from the evening.

 

 

Oli glanced at the digital clock on their nightstand and then back to the movie on his computer. Their bed wasn’t nearly as warm without Kellin in it to act like a furnace. Oskar was curled up at his stomach, and Oli petted him absently, trying to lose himself in images on his screen. He was tired, but he couldn’t sleep until he knew Kellin was home and safe. He really wanted him and Vic to have a good time, and wished desperately his brain were fixed enough that he could handle going to something like that. But if it was similar in anyway to the strangers milling in and out, drunk or high as it would have been in his flat in England, Oli was sure he would embarrass Kellin and Vic, which was the last thing he wanted.

As the movie ended he checked the clock again to see it was nearly three AM. No, he wasn’t going to panic. Kellin had his phone on him. He could just call to make sure he was alright. Shifting to grab his phone, he clicked on the image of his boyfriend. It rang and rang. And rang some more.

‘Hey you’ve reached Kellin and-‘ Oli ended the call, and texted instead.

SYKED: Hey love- hope you’re having fun. I just wanted to check and make sure you’re alright. Do you know what time you’ll be home?

QUINNTESSENTIAL: don’t wannga  Walk in…cold

Oli sighed, and sat up, Oskar giving him a dirty look for ruining his warm spot.

SYKED: I’ll come get you with the car.

QUINNTESSENTIAL: kk

Grabbing Kellin’s keys from their dish, Oli threw his shoes on and headed out into the cold. It was so quiet at this time of night. Kellin hadn’t given him the address, but he did have the locator in his phone on. Pulling up to the giant house on sorority row, Oli felt his stomach turn. He could hear the music thrumming from it, and there were still plenty of people, screeching and laughing as they moved about like drunken ants on and ant farm.

Steeling himself, he clenched his jaw, coming in through the huge French doors. It was hot inside and smelled like a terrible, nauseating cross between pot and perfume. Panic reached up through him and it was all he could do to focus on walking and finding Kellin. Finally he saw a familiar face.

“Miranda right?” he asked quickly, trying not to throw up.

She turned to him and looked him up and down and raised an eyebrow. “Kellin’s boyfriend?”

“Right. Where’s Kellin? He texted me for a right home.” Was it just him or was she rather annoyed to see him. No matter. He just needed to collect his idiots and get out of there.

“Oh, he’s over on the couch with Vic,” she nodded to where a game of spin the bottle was being played.

As soon as Kellin saw him, his eyes lit up. “Hey you’re on my…my phone!”

“Yes and I’m here to take you home. Vic too,” he added, catching the other pair of glassy brown eyes.

“Really?”

“Yes. You texted me about not wanting to walk home in the cold. I’m here with the car. Now c’mon,” he said, coaxing Kellin up by taking his hands. Like last time, Kellin was just as infatuated with him when drunk as when sober, and kissed Oli with a mouth that tasted of tequila as soon as he was standing. Embarrassed and having to steady him, Oli looked away but didn’t let go, instead turning his attention to Vic. “C’mon.”

Vic was even less steady on his feet, and by the time he had managed to navigate both other boys outside, he ended up carrying Vic on his back. “Woah you really do have these things everywhere. So wicked,” Vic grinned, touching all of Oli’s tattoos that he could, leaving the taller boy feeling uncomfortable at the very best. At least the other two seemed to occupy themselves by singing to the radio as Oli drove the short distance back to their apartment. Once inside he deposited Kellin on the bed and took care of Vic first, as he seemed to be worse off.

Pulling his shoes off, Oli laid him out on the couch, only to have Vic try and kiss him, but given his history of trying to kiss a tree drunk, Oli could forgive him. It still left him feeling uneasy. Wrapping the boy in a warm blanket, he pulled his hair back to make sure it wouldn’t get caught in vomit. He then rearranged the side table with some ibuprofen and cloths, set the trashcan next to his head and made Vic drink at least half of the glass of water. After this Vic seemed to settle, and Oli left to take care of Kellin, who was easier, given that he’d done it before.

Exhaustion ran through his veins as he looked at the clock. It was nearly five. There would be no point in sleeping. Both boys would likely be up in a few hours vomiting anyway. If he was going to shower, he may as well get it over with. Peeking in on Vic one more time and seeing Oskar curled up on his legs, Oli retreated to the bathroom.

As he stepped into the hot water he scrubbed at himself, wanting to be rid of the awful smell of that place. Memories and anxiety bubbled up, and he berated himself, trying to keep them tamped down, but failing miserably. Crouching he felt the tears wash over like a tidal wave and he was drowning again. Dr. Orsbeck had always encouraged him to just cry if he needed to, so he let it go, all the while feeling stupid and misshapen for being unable to do something as simple as walk into a party. He hated being like this.

As the water began to turn chilly he gathered himself. He needed to make sure Vic and Kellin were alright. Repeatedly he told himself it would be worth it if Vic had been distracted for awhile, and had had a good time. Coming out of the bathroom he could see the sky outside lightening and realized he hadn’t slept at all. With a sigh he slipped his favorite black hoodie on and made himself a strong cup of tea.

Vic was the first to stir later that morning, awakening with a guttural groan and a few swear words uttered in Spanish. Oli immediately was there, handing him the glass of water with the ibuprofen. Vic squinted around the apartment, Oskar not being pleased about his bed moving and casting a stern glance.

“That was really fun, but how did we get back?” he asked once the pills were down.

“I came and got you both,” Oli answered simply, trying to remain neutral.

“That was nice of you dude. Where’s Kells?”

“Still in bed. You’ll want to drink the rest of that water. Once he’s up I’ll make you both breakfast so you can have something other than tequila in your stomachs.”

“Huevos Racheros?” Vic asked hopefully, causing the ex-brit to roll his eyes.

Sure enough, Oli soon heard the sound of throwing up from their bedroom, Kellin having just made it into the pail Oli had left next to the bed. Gently he tucked the other’s hair out of the way and rubbed his back. Kellin was soon finished though and Oli wiped his face, plying him with water and ibuprofen in the same fashion as he had with Vic.

“You’re the best,” Kellin sighed as he settled back into the pillows, giving Oli a little smile.

Oli just patted his hip and said, “I’ll make you breakfast.”

With the help of fluids and ibuprofen, both boys were feeling more themselves when Oli finished making pancakes with vegan bacon which both Vic and Kellin had come to tolerate. As they ate he desperately wanted to say something. Didn’t they realize that they had almost been passed out drunk at a house where they might not be taken care of? Didn’t Kellin realize how worried he’d been? Did they have any idea how hard it had been for Oli to get him?

The answer was an overwhelming no. Instead both Kellin and Vic were all smiles, discussing how good Kellin had been at beer pong, how they had caught two kids from their marketing class hooking up, and all the funny stories the other students had shared about school, their professors, and their lives. And what could Oli say to that? It was obvious that despite their nausea and headaches the next day, they’d had a good time. It had been his idea to have a night out anyway. So he let it go.

 

 

If Oli thought things might go back to some semblance of normal, he was unfortunately wrong. So wrong in fact that had he bet on the lotto, all the numbers would have been frustratingly off by one. The week did not start off so auspicious, as things seemed to be going better than ever at work. Jordan even cornered him a day, shortly before shutting up for the day with an invitation.

“I know you told me to stop thanking you, but Emma wants to thank you too, and before things get busy with the baby, we were hoping we could have you over for dinner. Maybe this Saturday? You can of course bring Kellin and Oskar.”

Despite how much time he had been spending with Jordan, he was still a bit stunned. When was the last time he had made a friend outside of Kellin’s circle? Well, there had been his childhood friends, but one had drifted off, one had died, and the other had fallen in with his father. Past that, Vic and Rachel were his only friends beyond Kellin, and even then he never hung out with them except with his boyfriend. Perhaps with Kellin busy at school, this could be a chance to make another.

“I guess that’s alright,” Oli answered, and watched Jordan’s eyes light up.

“Cheers then. Anything you don’t eat?”

“I’m vegetarian,” Oli shrugged, running a hand through his hair. “You don’t have to make anything special for me though. Whatever you make, I’ll just have the veggies.”

“Oh that’s perfect actually. Emma and I are vegetarians too,” Jordan smiled, relieved.

“Really? What’s your favorite dish?”

“Emma makes the most amazing popcorn cauliflower…”

Back and forth they exchanged recipes and foods they loved in between work the rest of the day, and Oli returned home in a good mood.

“What’s got you happy?” Kellin asked as Oli passed him his chicken quesadilla, while he went on to prepare his own.

“Found out Jordan is a vegetarian. We were talking about food all day. It was really nice,” he said as he sprinkled cheese and black olives onto his tortilla. “In fact,” he said as he turned around, “Jordan invited us to dinner Saturday. Said we can even bring Oskar.”

Kellin’s chewing slowed and he swallowed. “I’m going out with Vic again. You can go enjoy Jordan though,” he shrugged.

Frowning Oli turned back to his dinner as he prepared, feeling his bubble from the day burst. He was going back out with Vic again? Another party? Another night of worry? “There’s nothing to be jealous with Jordan. I think you both would really get along actually-“

“-I’m not. Jealous, that is. I just already have plans with Vic,” Kellin cut him off in a way that told him that that was the end of their discussion.

 

 

“Dinner?” Vic asked, curiosity on his face. “That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Yeah but I don’t really want to subject myself to hours of hearing how wonderful Jordan is y’know? So I said I going out with you again,” Kellin answered, stabbing at a cucumber with his fork. At least Oli had remembered he didn’t like raw tomato in his salad this time.

The look on Vic’s face told him that he was thinking about saying something, but held his tongue because it was unpleasant.

“Who’s Jordan?” a feminine voice asked as Miranda made to sit down with them.

“Jordan is Kellin’s boyfriend’s personal assistant,” Vic informed.

“It’s always the secretary or the assistant,” she shrugged, coyly taking a bite of her pasta, gold earrings glinting in the sunlight streaming through the windows of the student union.

“Always for what?” Kellin frowned at her.

“Cheating of course! You two are so naïve sometimes…”

“Oli’s not the kind to cheat,” frowned Vic.

“Everybody cheats-“

“-not Oli,” the shorter boy cut her off.

“Well he’s not exactly the easy going type though right? People with control issues always cheat in my book. They get to control everything about your life, from what you eat to what you wear and then they keep a little side action for themselves,” she shrugged, “but that’s nice you don’t think he would. Anyway,” she drawled, changing the subject after seeing the look on Vic’s face, “it’s good to know I’ll see you this Saturday,” she grinned at Kellin. “It will be a different sorority house but you’re totally welcome. We had so much fun last time!”

Kellin didn’t want her words to take hold but she had a point. Oli made all his meals, set up his backpack, nagging him of all the little tasks he needed to do and by when. He knew Oli would never cheat, but the incident with Hannah was still fresh in his mind from the previous semester. And really, with all his work, could the other boy really blame him for wanting to cut loose on a Saturday night? It wasn’t like he wasn’t careful- he had Vic with him. Really, Oli could enjoy Jordan’s company all on his own, as far as he was concerned.

“Yeah, can’t wait!”

 

By the time Saturday rolled around, Oli was already a bundle of nerves, and not even running in the mornings, with or without Vic, seemed to help. Kellin, wrapped up in his studies and beginning to feel the crunch of midterms, never seemed to notice, which Oli wasn’t sure pleased or disappointed him.

Jordan’s apartment was closer in to the city of Detroit, on a street overrun with weeds and a questionable crime rate. It was duplex, the shingles seeming to slide down the roof with the snow, and the ice covering most of the badly chipped paint.

“Oh my goodness, you’re so young!” an attractive, heavily pregnant woman said as soon as she opened the door. If Oli hadn’t been so used to hearing it from interviewers, he might have been more embarrassed, but as it was he just gave her a small smile and held out the pan of sticky toffee pudding he had made.

“Emma he’s only a few years younger than us!” Jordan chided, taking the pan as Oskar barked excitedly at seeing his work friend. “Yes, hello to you too! No Kellin?”

“No, er, he’s out with his friend Vic this evening. Just me and Oskar. Sorry,” he answered, still feeling a bit shy and awkward. It was hard meeting new people. In a work environment it was easy because there were tasks to be done and he could focus on them. Here he had nothing to do but hold Oskar, trying to take up as little space as possible.

“Don’t be!”

“Honestly we would only be disappointed if Oskar didn’t show up,” Emma smiled, petting the little dog enthusiastically when Oli held him. It took him a few minutes to calm down in the new environment, but being coddled helped.

“He is so sweet! I can’t wait till we have a house and can get a dog. Did you get him around here?”

“Yeah actually. Kellin got him for me as a Christmas present…” the conversation became easier from there, focusing around things that Oli found easy to talk about: Kellin and Oskar.

As they sat down for dinner in the tiny kitchen, Jordan served the eggplant parmesan so his wife didn’t have to get up. It was easy to see the adoration in his eyes, the way he doted on her, and her affectionate touches as they did things for one another. It left Oli feeling empty and lonely without Kellin there. Was this how Vic felt all the time without Rachel? If so, Oli wasn’t sure how he got through it.

“So how did you come to the states Oli?” Emma asked as she poured more water in each glass.

“My parents were divorced and I was living with my dad in Sheffield. He was arrested for tax fraud so I came to live with my mum and brother my final year of school.”

“That where you met Kellin?” Jordan inquired.

“Yeah. You? How did you get to the states?” Oli asked back, wanting the questions off him as he finished his eggplant. He liked Jordan, and Emma was very nice, but he would feel more comfortable if Kellin were with him.

“I was transferred here for an internship and met Emma. During my internship ended we got married, but when then it ended and I needed a job to stay in the states-“

“-So thank-you for letting my husband stay. Because of you we’re able to actually start looking at houses so we can raise Eliot somewhere safe.”

Oli blushed and looked down and away. “Jordan is really good at it so…is that what you’re going to name him? Eliot?”

Jordan looked at his wife, giving her a loving smile. “Yeah. We both love that name.”

“It’s a proper name,” Oli concurred.

The evening wore on, Oli slowly feeling more at ease. There was so much to talk about, from Britain to vegetarian dishes to all the things for little baby Eliot that they still needed and Oli suspected, couldn’t afford. He made a mental note to perhaps give Jordan a ‘bonus’ of sorts when Eliot was born.

Just as Emma was wrapping some of the eggplant parmesan for Oli to take home, his pocket buzzed. Checking his phone he Vic’s text on the other end.

VICTORY: plz pick up again? To cld outsid

Oli could only assume that Vic meant it was too cold to walk outside to their apartment. And from the misspelled words, Oli could only assume they were drunk again.

Thanking Jordan and Emma again, he accepted the eggplant parm and made his way back to Kellin’s cougar.

It was a different frat house this week, but just like last it was loud and Oli had to go inside to find both Kellin and Vic. This time he found them in a corner attempting to still play Jenga, their movements not coordinated in the least. At least they could both walk on their own. The music thrummed through him, and Oli did his best to focus on his own breaths and heartbeat as he re-navigated the labyrinth. It wasn’t until he was home and in the shower that Oli allowed himself to fall apart. How many more times would Kellin go out? Was he being selfish and controlling if he said something?

It turned out that Kellin and Vic would go out every weekend until midterms. Every weekend was a nightmare for him, and with Kellin’s apparent jealousy of Jordan, Oli felt more isolated than he had in a long time. Jordan seemed to be the only one he could confide in, and even then he didn’t like to divulge anything too private. What would his employees think if they knew he had terrible PTSD and depression? That he used to be a drug addict? In all likelihood they wouldn’t care, but what if it got out in an interview? His sales were still growing rapidly, and the company was shipping out further and further. He couldn’t let his past and issues hit the revenue stream Drop Dead depended on. Every time he wanted to say something to someone, he thought of little baby Eliot, due any day now, and shut his mouth. The only one he could say anything to was Dr. Orsbeck, who did everything she could to adjust his anxiety meds and try to get him to talk to Kellin about his behavior.

Midterms came with studious intensity. Her college being a week ahead, Rachel came down to visit for a long weekend. Vic, of course, was overjoyed, spending every waking moment with her that he could. Rachel too seemed just happy to be with them all once again, and even treated them to dinner before Vic and Kellin’s evening exam. She laughed along as Kellin and Vic told her of all their party exploits, including Kellin getting the dunk of one of the biggest frat guys at beer pong.

It was as he and Rachel walked back to the apartment as Kellin and Vic took their exam that her countenance did a 180.

“Alright, spill.”

Oli blinked and looked over at her. Snow was falling lightly, and her breath was illuminated by the orange streetlamps. Here hair had streaks of blue in it, which were hidden under her hat and scarf.

“Spill what?”

“Don’t play dumb. I haven’t seen you smile the entire time I’ve been here, and you always smile around Kellin. What’s going on?”

What did he tell her? That Kellin was drifting away from him, and he was in the middle of an ocean without even an oar to steer with? That some days he couldn’t concentrate on his work with Kellin away, not knowing if he was safe, even when he wasn’t out partying? He would come across as a creep. But if anyone would understand him besides Kellin, his best bet was Rachel or Tom, and Rachel was all that was available.

“I’m worried about Kellin,” he murmured to the quiet darkness.

“Him in general? Or his grades?” she pressed, giving him her full attention.

“In general and…and it’s stupid.”

“Probably not- Kellin is a magnet for trouble. What’s going on with him?”

Oli twisted his fingers together, frozen through his gloves. “A few weeks ago he had been worried about Vic since Vic missed you so much. I’ve been running with Vic in the mornings and having him teach me how to cook meat for Kellin, but Kellin was looking for something to distract Vic too, so I suggest they try a party. I figured that’s what one did in college every once in awhile. But Kellin and Vic got drunk and I had to go get them and…”

“Keep going,” Rachel encouraged in a softer tone.

“I almost had a panic attack in the middle of the sorority house. It was awful. And from then on I was scared to let Kellin and by association Vic, back into that. What if they brought hard drugs out or something? But then they woke up hung over the next morning, but were so happy and they had a great time, and I just…I didn’t want to ruin that. And I thought it would be a one-off. But then they’ve been doing it every weekend and I’ve had to get them every time ane…it’s getting to the point where I just feel like I’m scared for him all the time for no reason. I’m sorry if that doesn’t make any sense. It’s really stu-“

“If you call it stupid one more time, I’m going to punch you. Have you talked to Kellin about this at all?”

That was another source of contention. “I…I tried to bring it up last week, but he didn’t really want to hear it. Told me it was keeping Vic happy, and that it was a great way to blow off stress and didn’t I want him to be able to enjoy some things at college?”

“And you said…?”

“I didn’t have an answer,” Oli whispered. He had hated that whole conversation, as he had felt like an asshole afterward. “I wish I could just make myself not worry,” he added, his throat feeling tight. In truth, every time Vic and Kellin brought up their Saturday nights, Oli felt further and further away from his boyfriend, his anxiety a brick wall between them.

“Have you talked to your doctor?” Rachel then asked in a quieter tone as the pair came to the apartment building.

“Yeah. She’s trying to adjust my meds, and suggested I talk to Kellin, but given how well that went last time…I don’t know. For the first time in over a year, I feel lonely. And it’s st- I mean silly because he’s right there. It’s not like he’s gone anywhere.”

“Kellin is an only child though Oli, and I can tell you from years of knowing him that sometimes he can’t see past his own nose, especially when he’s being stubborn. Hang in there, and I’ll talk to Vic about the partying. I know you were trying to help, and I love that, but you already do so much for Vic and for Kellin, Oli. You don’t need to be putting yourself through this for their happiness.” Oli just shrugged though. He couldn’t snatch that happiness from them either. As they came up to Oli and Kellin’s apartment, she immediately put the kettle on. “Want to watch some Friends?”

 

 

“At least that wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to bed,” Kellin sighed as he and Vic pulled into the parking lot.

“I don’t know. That one essay question had me all confused,” Vic grimaced. Leaving the beat up little car and entering the warmth of their apartment building, together they climbed the stairs.

“The one about marketing principles?”

“No the other one. It was ridiculous. Like did she want a broad overview or all the little details? Cause I didn’t have enough time for all the little details.”

The conversation continued as they entered Vic’s apartment so Kellin could return the other’s notes and borrow his flash cards for the next exam. It was as they were discussing how hard the next exam would be, and how they were looking forward to the party to mark the end of midterms, along with what they might do on spring break, that he realized that Rachel was watching him from the doorway, an inscrutable look on her face. He paused.

“What’s with the look?” he nodded to her. Really, if she wanted him to leave so she could have some alone time with Vic, she could have just asked.

“Oh don’t mind me. I’m just watching you fuck up the best thing in your life,” she shrugged, her nonchalant countenance belaying the anger coming off her.

Brows furrowing, Kellin’s mouth twisted. “What are you talking about?”

“When was the last time you saw your boyfriend smile?” The question stunned Kellin. Where was this coming from? Taking two seconds he tried to remember, but couldn’t. “The entire time I’ve been here with you guys I haven’t seen him smile at all. And I’m sure you never even noticed, because if it isn’t one of his depressive episodes you haven’t got a clue. You’re too busy partying it up to take some responsibility for your relationship and realize how much Oli worries about you. I was right a year ago: You could live ten thousand lives and never deserve that boy.”

“Rachel what are you-“ Vic tried to smooth things over.

“And you! I get that you’re Kellin’s best friend, but Oli does an awful lot for you too! The least you could do is be a good friend to him once in awhile. If you need me, I’ll be in the shower, trying to wash this evening off,” she snapped, turning on her heel and disappearing down the tiny hallway.

Kellin watched her go, feeling something uncomfortable clawing at his insides. Vic and he shared a look, a silent conversation of how chagrined they felt.

“I’m just gonna…”

“Yeah…”

Trudging next door to their apartment, it was oddly quiet. Looking about he eliminated Oli being in the living room and instead found him in bed, asleep, snuggling Kellin’s pillow while Oskar slept at his back. What was he missing?

The little dog woke as Kellin entered the room and barked excitedly, wagging his whole butt. This in turn woke Oli straight out of a dead sleep, shuttering awake and sitting up like a jack knife. It took a few breaths before he calmed himself, and stated, “Oh you’re home. I didn’t mean to fall sleep. How was the exam?”

“Not bad,” Kellin said slowly, slipping out of his jeans and pulling his loose sleeping shirt on.

“That’s good. I’m sure you did well in it then,” Oli said with a yawn, his long lashes fluttering against his pale skin.

“Yeah,” Kellin agreed quietly, crawling into bed. Oli returned his pillow but instead of wrapping himself up in Kellin as he usually did, he turned over and held onto Oskar, leaving Kellin to curl against his back. He didn’t mind being the big spoon, but usually they fell asleep facing one another. The words Rachel had said rattled around in his mind. What was he missing? Oli had been feeding himself, was a proper weight, hadn’t been working too hard, and as far as Kellin knew, hadn’t had a Day in quite some time. What was Oli worried about?

Wrapping his arms around the other’s torso, he breathed in his scent and tried to think as he slowly drifted off.

 

 

“Hey Vegan, did you, Mat, and Lee sign the card?” Oli asked as he locked his office for the day. It had been Lee’s idea to get Jordan a gift card for little Eliot Fish, who had been born just two days ago. The prep for the spring line was already done, so it was the perfect lull. Even though Jordan hadn’t wanted to take off, Oli wanted him to have at least a few days to help his wife and bring Eliot home. He had been a bit premature, so they were keeping and observing him to be safe. When Oli had called to congratulate him, both he and Emma had sounded so ecstatic.

“Yeah, right here,” Vegan said, handing Oli the signed card. “Give him our best when you see him yeah? Also we washed your super ugly mug and it’s back on the sink if you’re looking for it.”

“It’s not ugly it’s artful! Cheers. Thanks guys. Have a great weekend,” Oli wished as he slipped the card into his computer bag and tugged Oskar with him to walk home. Tomorrow he planned to go up to the hospital to visit them, and he could give it to them then. Kellin had one last exam on Saturday, a week of classes and then spring break. Oli was holding out for that week, hoping to talk and reconnect with his boyfriend. Until then his sleep was becoming fitful and he found himself zoning out and worrying about Kellin and where he was at various times of the day.

Oli stayed out of Kellin’s way while he studied, making him dinner and tucking him in bed when he fell asleep on his books again.

Vic and Kellin left early for their exam the next morning, so Oli went on his run by himself, trying to rid himself of the nerves that seemed to be a constant thing now. It was when he returned that things went south.

Grabbing his water bottle he added the powdered mix, and grabbing a jug of unmarked water from the fridge he poured it in and mixed it up. It was the first hint of spring that morning, warm air having caused him to sweat more than usual, and he downed a few gulps and cleaned up in the bathroom, putting on comfortable clothes. As he returned to the kitchen to make breakfast though, his stomach turned and he felt light headed. He had run a little bit further than usual, but perhaps the warmth had really taken it out of him? Or maybe he was just dehydrated.

Sipping more of his Gatorade he lay down on the couch, his brain feeling familiarly fuzzy, and Oli began to worry that maybe he was getting sick. If he were sick he couldn’t go visit Eliot in the hospital. Wouldn’t be able to give the card. Taking a few more swigs he lay his head down, hoping to sleep off whatever it was that he was fighting off.

 

 

“DONE! FREE!” Kellin declared, stretching his arms.

“Yeah, until finals,” Vic tempered grimly.

“I don’t wanna think about those,” Kellin whined. “Let’s get Oli and go to lunch or something,” he grinned eager to celebrate not having to use his brain for the rest of the weekend.

“I could go for pizza…or tacos…mmmmmm…” Vic sighed, happily thinking of food.

“Tacos for sure,” Kellin agreed, leading them to his and Oli’s apartment. When he came in he expected to find Oli in the study, working or watching TV, but after a couple barks from Oskar, it was silent.

“Baby?” Kellin called, but there was no answer, and went to check the bedroom.

“Dude is out cold,” Vic called out from where he found Oli sprawled out on the couch.

That was strange. Oli didn’t usually nap after going for a run. Usually he found running to be focusing and liked to do a bit of work afterward. Poking his head in he watched Vic shake Oli’s shoulder gently, but Oli didn’t respond in the least. That definitely had him frowning even more. Oli had always been a very light sleeper. Was he coming down with something? Setting his backpack on the kitchen table he got his answer. There on the counter was his and Vic’s Vodka in a water jug. Miranda had asked him to hold onto it and keep it cold for games since they didn’t have enough room in their fridge at the sorority. They’d had to put it in the gallon water jug to disguise it as they walked across campus, especially since they were minors. The jug had been in the fridge when he left that morning, which meant Oli had taken it out and used for something, not realizing that it was Vodka, not water.

Hurrying back to the living room, he said quickly, “Look for whatever Oli was drinking last.”

“Well he has his Gatorade right here,” Vic answered, picking up the water bottle and handing it to Kellin. He took a sip. It was well disguised by the sugar of the sports drink, but as Kellin was expecting it, he could taste it there. Shit. How much had Oli drank?

“Can you go and grab a pail and a cloth with some cold water? We need to wake him up and get some water in him.”

“What’s going on?” Vic’s voice turned concerned very quickly.

“He made his Gatorade with our vodka instead of water,” Kellin grimaced, turning to his side and shaking him. At least he was still breathing.

“Holy shit,” Vic spazzed, “That’s like drinking 10 cosmos!”

“Yeah I know. Can you get that stuff?” Vic assented and left, leaving Kellin to keep shaking the tattooed boy. “C’mon baby. Up and at ‘em.”

A soft moan escaped Oli’s lips and his eyes fluttered open, glassy and unfocused as if trying to figure out how Kellin had magically appeared in front of him. “There you are,” Kellin sighed in relief.

Oli’s face pinched though, and Kellin registered in milliseconds what was going to happen and jumped back, the lanky boy hanging over the side of the couch and vomiting on the hardwood floor, liquid the same color as the blue Gatorade he had drank. “Fuck,” Kellin sighed.

When he stopped Vic was at the doorway, looking like he was trying not to gag himself and help out the damp cloth. “Can you get some paper towels too?”

“As long as I don’t have to clean it,” Vic squeaked out, trying not to breathe.

Kellin ignored him, wiping his boyfriend’s face and asking urgently. “Baby, can you tell me if you took your meds this morning?”

“Yeah…yeah I took them before I ran…no br’fast though. Don’t feel good…”

“That’s cause you drank Vodka in your Gatorade,” Kellin scoffed.

“No…put water in…”

“Vic and I had a water jug with Vodka for tonight’s party. You put that in with your Gatorade.”

“Why…why would you…”

“So we didn’t caught with it on campus. Now sit up and drink this water, baby. I’ve got some aspirin here for you too.”

Helping him sit up, Oli took them, gave Kellin a rather betrayed look, and rolled over, giving the other boy his cold shoulder. Was Kellin this difficult to take care of when he was hung over? Surely not. Oli usually did his best to make Kellin feel better. Why would Oli let him reciprocate?

“Better let him sleep it off for a bit,” Vic suggested. Kellin frowned at the still form on the couch, watching the rise and fall of his breath. He wanted to stay and make sure Oli was alright, but he also wanted to give him peace and quiet if that’s what he wanted.

Cleaning up the vomit, he and Vic silently retired to the kitchen, making sandwiches for lunch before Vic returned to his own apartment to get ready for that evening. Oli rose like a zombie from the tomb by later afternoon, still looking a bit pale as he shuffled dully to the bedroom.

“You feeling better?” Kellin asked, putting away some things from the kitchen. Oli, his long limbs wrapped around himself as it were the only thing that held him together just glared and turned to continue his slow journey to the bedroom. “Why am I so much easier to take care of when I’m hung over than you are?” he asked incredulously.

Oliver paused, took a deep breath as if steeling himself and turned to face Kellin, his voice was a barely controlled calm, his hand reflexively opening and closing into a fist, and there was a fire in his eyes Kellin had only seen a couple times before. “Probably because you get pissed for a laugh. I, on the other hand, get inebriated because my boyfriend forgets to label his poison in the fridge!”

“How was I supposed to know you were gonna put it in your Gatorade?” Kellin fired back. Really it was his own fault for not checking!

“Because I put bottled water in there all the time!”

“Well couldn’t you feel yourself getting buzzed?!”

“No, because sometimes my meds make me dizzy or tired, which by the way, I’m not supposed to take with alcohol! It compounds the effect! Your inability to do something as simple as label your fucking drink could have killed me!” Oli fumed.

“No-one dies from a little vodka!” Kellin spat back. “Now you’re just being a martyr!”

“And _you’re_ irresponsible! People die from alcohol poisoning Kellin! Just like any other drug! I don’t know how you can be so smart and not realize that! You should have known! Instead you and Vic too busy and distracted getting wasted every weekend with people who couldn’t give two shits about you while I’m here or with Jordan-“

“Oh yes because of course Jordan understands your woes right?!” Kellin cut in. “He totally is always there for you when you have a bad day right?”

“I already told you Jordan isn’t coming on to me! I can’t believe you’re jealous all over again! Either you want me to healthy and not work myself to death to pay for everything or you don’t! Make up your mind but stop using your addiction to losing yourself in alcohol to blame me for trying to make a new friend!”

“I’m not addicted! I can stop whenever!”

“Would you use your fucking brains for two seconds and think about who you just said that to? I used to tell myself the same shit all the time! Meanwhile it’s beginning to control your life!”

“Oh yeah, cause you totally don’t do that! You never try to control my life! Don’t forget this was your fucking idea in the first place!”

               “And I regret ever suggesting it! I thought maybe one party, but not weekend after weekend! Not subjecting myself to having to walk into those stupid houses that are so loud and insane they make me want to get out but I have to find my boyfriend and his best friend who are drunk off their asses and bring them home and care for them while I do my best not to have a panic attack! I’m fucking sick of it! You’re not responsible enough to handle that shit!”

               “Fuck you!” He halted their argument, feeling his whole body shaking with rage. He needed to get out of there. Lowering his voice to a venomous hiss he stated, “I’m going out tonight with Vic. I’ll be home when I’m damn well good and ready.”

               Before Oli could respond, he grabbed his keys and wallet and was out the door. Vic was standing outside his own door with a pained expression on his face that told Kellin he had heard their entire argument.

               “Are you sure we should-“ Vic began, his face unsure, chocolate eyes flicking to the door behind which Oli probably was still mad.

               “Come on!” Kellin demanded, leading Vic to his car. Vic followed behind but the look did not leave his face. “How does he think I’m not responsible? I take care of all my homework and college stuff! I should be allowed to have a little fun once in awhile!”

               “Dude please stop yelling. I get it,” Vic said in a quieter voice, and Kellin took a deep breath as he started his car.

               “Sorry, I just- he can be so infuriating sometimes y’know?” Vic didn’t say anything, however and Kellin glanced over at him. “What?”

               “I didn’t realize it was so hard on him to come get us,” Vic said in a small voice. “I forgot that crowds bother him.”

               Feeling a small twinge of guilt, Kellin stomped down on it immediately. “Whose side are you on?”

               “Yours,” Vic answered immediately, “I just feel bad that I asked Oli to do that.”

               “Well we’ll get ourselves home tonight. If he wants responsible, I’ll show him responsible.”

 

The party took awhile to get into full swing and Kellin was sure to pace himself, as did Vic. Nursing a single drink an hour, he stuck to chatting and playing card games with some other students, still digesting the argument with Oli in the back of his mind. When he went home, he would apologize for yelling, but Oli needed to apologize to him as well, as far as he was concerned.

“Hey your cup’s empty. Try this!” Miranda grinned at him, nodding him over away from Vic. Handing him the red Solo cup he sipped. It was fruity, unlike the beer he had been nursing for over an hour, and more like a fizzy Kool aide. 

“This isn’t bad!” he complemented, “What is it?”

“Come here and I’ll show you.”

Sipping more of the drink, Kellin followed her, thinking she might lead him to the kitchen, which she did, and then straight back through to staircase. It seemed longer and taller than when he’d first come in. “I keep it up here so not everyone drinks it,” she coaxed, and like charmer to a snake, drew him up the stairs.

By the time he made it to bedroom, Kellin’s limbs felt heavy, and he was out of breath. Was he that out of shape? Letting himself sit on the side of the bed he felt Miranda sit next to him, her weight sinking the mattress and making him giggle a little. Why was that so funny.

“Y’know Kellin, when we met I was hoping you were single. And then I met your boyfriend, and I was a little disappointed. I thought you would have been such a cute little notch in my bedpost. But then you started to complain about him, and I knew you’d be mine. How are you feeling? Relaxed? Good. Don’t worry honey I’m you’ll still fill me up the right way, even if you have been with a guy.”

As she spoke Kellin found it hard to concentrate on her and her voice beyond the smoothness off it. He could feel her hand on his thigh and at his jeans, but it didn’t seem to matter. Nothing did. All that mattered was the peanut butter vibes as he slid down…down…down…

 

A tongue was licking at his tears. Looking down from his spot on the floor of the bathroom, Oli registered Oskar trying to crawl into his lap. The tiny dog had been cowering during their explosive argument, but after a half hour of crying, seemed to find the courage to come out and check on his friend.

“S’alright lad,” Oli said in a broken voice, trying to wipe at his face and massaging Oskar’s velvet ears. Oskar didn’t seem to buy it and continued to lick at Oli’s face. What was he going to do now? Did Kellin even want to be around him anymore? So much for telling Kellin he was worried about him. Oli was at a complete loss of what to do. What if Kellin and he broke up? He’d never made a back up plan because he never thought it would happen. Maybe Jordan would have an idea.

Thinking of his employee and friend, he glanced at the clock on their nightstand. He said he would be there soon. Washing his face as best he could, Oli took Oskar out to go pee before letting him back in the apartment and taking the bus to the hospital. Once there, he went to the receptionist and said the name, but there was confusion.

“He’s not in the maternity ward?” Oli asked. He was already on edge being in the hospital, given how much he hated them.

“No he’s been moved to the pediatric surgery unit. They should be in room 406,” she guided him kindly. “Just follow the signs.”

Pediatric surgery? What was going on? Had something happened to Eliot? Taking the stairs two at a time, Oli quickly wound through the endless halls until he came to a small room at the end of the hall. There he saw the familiar faces of Jordan and Emma, but unlike the smiling faces he had seen a few days ago when he had visited when Eliot had been born, their faces were pale and drawn and probably reflected his own when it came to crying. Something was very much wrong.

“Where’s Eliot?” he asked immediately, looking about the room.

At this Emma broke down into sobs, her rose colored hair falling in tendrils about her pretty face. Jordan sat on her bed and rubbed her back.

“He’s had a brain hemorrhage, and they’re stabilizing him, but without surgery or specialized equipment, he might not…” Tears slipped down Jordan’s handsome face, and Oli could feel his heart break for them. He could remember arriving at that very hospital a few days before, and Jordan, happier and more proud than Oli had ever seen him, placed the tiny babe in his arms and Oli sat with him for some time. The little face scrunched, eyes barely open, but just as blue as his father’s, pale skin sharply contrasting with Oli’s tattooed hands. In that moment it was as Oli were holding pure innocence. He had to protect it.

Approaching the bed, Oli bent down to look at Jordan. “Where does he need to go?”

“The surgeon who could do it is at Children’s Hospital of Michigan. They’d have to airlift him there, but I have no idea if our insurance would cover…I mean, we just don’t know what to do,” he sniffed. “They’re still waiting on what we want to do while we stabilize him.”

“Alright, come with me then,” Oli stood, offering a hand. Jordan looked confused, but Oli pulled him up, and with a hand on his elbow, guided him to the nurse’s station. “Excuse us but could you pass on a message onto Eliot Fish’s doctor?”

“What can we do for you hun?”

“Would you please let him know to go ahead and transfer Eliot to Children’s hospital for surgery?”

“Oli-“

“Sh-“

“Sure, no problem. We will let Dr. Carson know. You will be notified when he’s ready to transport ok? For now just sit tight. You’re in good hands.”

As they walked away from the table, Oli stopped Jordan again. “American insurance is different, so I’m going to go down to billing and make sure they have the right information, and my credit card number for the company. Go back to Emma and help her pack her things to move to Children’s. Eliot will be ok,” he said with as much confidence as he could muster, and was almost impressed with himself, given how hard he had been crying not a couple hours ago.

At this Jordan’s face fell apart as well and he pulled Oli into a fierce hug, gripping him so tightly he was sure he would leave bruises. Oli held him for a moment, letting cry, before Jordan released him, and Oli pulled the card from his jacket pocket. “This is for you and Emma from Drop Dead by the way. Now get back to your wife.”

Jordan gave him one last tear filled, grateful smile before retreating to the room they were in. Oli allowed his long legs to float him down to the billing department, an annoying occurrence all together, but Eliot was worth it. That tiny little life was worth everything.

It was just as he was finishing that his back pocket buzzed. Pulling out his phone he saw Vic’s face. Ugh. His train wreck of a life returned, and he reluctantly answered, “’ello?”

“Oli! Oli don’t freak out but I need you to meet me at the hospital.”

Panic stabbed through Oli like shards of ice. “Where’s Kellin?! Is he ok?”

“He’s alright, well, not really, he…ummm…he got roofied…and he’s ok, I got to him in time and shit, but he’s just super out of it. I’m taking him to the emergency room right now. Can you meet me there?”

“Yeah, I’ll be outside waiting,” Oli answered, his tongue feeling like a lead weight. Before Vic could answer he ended the conversation, his feet swiftly taking him to the emergency waiting room and outside. It was cold and biting, Oli’s breaths coming out in foggy breaths as he bounced on the balls of his feet, waiting for Vic. How could he have let this happen? She should have never argued with Kellin. It never got them anywhere. He should have just let it go and talked to him about it the next day. Guilt and remorse rolled through him until he saw the black cougar swing around.

Before Vic was at a complete stop, Oli wrenched open the door. Kellin was conscious, but was out of it, staring off into space, as if confused to how he got there. “I’ve got him. Come here love. I have you,” he said gently, maneuvering Kellin’s limbs and using his knees to lift him.

“I’ll meet you inside!” Vic called after him, and it was all Oli could do to nod. Good thing he had been running lately.

Nurses darted like fire-ants, pulling a stretcher. “His name is Kellin Quinn. He was at a party. He’s been roofied,” Oli explained, as one of the nurses started examining him, shining a light into his dilated pupils.

“Mary add a kit to the testing please,” one nurse said to the other before they disappeared before the thick emergency doors where Oli couldn’t follow. Still shaking, Oli returned to the waiting room to find Vic sprinting in. Panic welled up from below like water on a sinking ship and he blinked a few times and took several deep breaths. He couldn’t lose it here. He needed to make sure Kellin was ok.

Slowly, Oli sat onto one of the chairs, Vic looking at him with an unsure face as if he didn’t know where to start, still too wired to sit.

“Who?” Oli asked, school his expression into calm, even though he felt anything but.

“Miranda. She’s in some of our classes with us. He was…he was purposely only drinking one an hour so he wouldn’t get drunk. But she handed him something to taste, and then pulled him upstairs. I didn’t realize where he was going at first, but then I saw him go upstairs and I knew something was wrong, cause…because I know you two fought, but Kellin…Kellin is only into guys ok? And he’s not the type to cheat. He just isn’t. So I went upstairs and caught her trying to get his jeans off. Thank God he wears those tight things y’know? And I threw her off him, and got him out. She must have put something in his drink because I know he wasn’t drunk. And I…I’m sorry. I was watching him and, he was out of my sight for two seconds…”

Oli shook his head. “Not your fault. Don’t beat yourself up. Roofies would have made him an easy target for Miranda. Usually you just snap out of them, so he should be alright.”

“You sure? He looked so out…”

“Yeah. It makes it so nothing matters, and you don’t care as much about stuff,” Oli explained. “Most people just pop out of it like a trance.”

They fell into silence, and soon enough a nurse came out and called for them. “Your friend did have GHB in his system, but it appears to be wearing off,” she explained kindly. There weren’t any signs of force, so we decided not to run a kit, and we are just waiting on his blood tests and he should be free to go. We will have your discharge papers ready for you soon. You can come sit with him in the meantime. He’s been asking for you.”

Leading them to a small room in the busy emergency department, he saw Kellin sitting on the edge of the bed, picking at the blanket and looking rather sorry for himself. Oli didn’t care how he looked, as long as it was alive and healthy, and felt relief flood through his body.

Kellin must have seen them from the corner of his eye because he looked up, and tears welled in those gorgeous blue pools. “Oli,” he whispered brokenly, and as if teleported the taller boy was in front of him holding him as he cried and apologized over and over. Oli let his hands smooth through Kellin’s silky waves and down his back, rubbing gentle circles.

“You’re alright love,” he repeated, holding him. Oh how fiercely he loved this boy.

“No, I…I shouldn’t have fought with you. It was so stupid, and ugh I’m such a fucking idiot,” he berated himself into Oli’s shoulder.

“We can debate your lesser merits later. For now let’s get you home. You probably have a headache right? We can go as soon as we get your bloodwork.”

Kellin continued to apologize for some time, and Oli let him. At least his boyfriend had perhaps realized how much of a wanker he had been in the previous weeks, though Oli was still upset that he’d been roofied. With that in mind the drive home was quiet, except for the ping on Oli’s phone from Jordan, letting him know that they were transferring and that Eliot would go to be in an intensive pediatric unit where he had the best chance at Children’s. This gave Oli a bit of hope.

True to his suspicions, Kellin had a giant headache upon returning home and Oli gave him some aspirin and sat with him in bed (along with Oskar) until he was asleep. It was only midnight, and he slipped out of bed. Kellin was home. Kellin was safe. He could breathe a partial sigh of relief, but he still had something to take care of. He could hear Vic on the phone as he crossed the landing and knocked on the door. Vic poked his head out.

“If I ask you to stay with Kellin for a little bit in case he needs anything, could you?”

“You going somewhere?” Vic asked confused.

“Yeah I need to check on my friend. He’s my personal assistant and that’s why I was in the hospital when you called.”

“You sure? It’s midnight…”

“Won’t take long. Just forgot to drop something off to him. Please? While I know Kellin is home safe?”

“Yeah…yeah sure man. And again, I’m sorry for not-“

Oli waved his hand to stop him, “Let it go Vic. Kellin just attracts trouble.”

With that he hurried down the stairs to the cougar. It was easy enough to find the house on sorority row, and steeling the nerves in his stomach at the noise and party, Oli walked out of the brisk air into the building. Milling about awkwardly, trying to pretend he belonged, he eventually spied Miranda, chatting animatedly with another girl in a secluded corner. Like a mountain lion stalking it’s prey he stilled and waited. She eventually got up and headed to the kitchen, and then out into the quiet hall for the bathroom, and that was when Oli grabbed her wrist and put a hand over her mouth, pushing her against a wall silently.

Instantly her eyes widened as she took him in. “That’s right. I thought you might recognize me. Especially since you tried to rape my boyfriend earlier tonight.”

She tried to shake her head but Oli pushed her just a bit harder and she still. “Don’t. Lie. I was raised by liars and thieves and one of the largest drug lords in Europe. I know how to spot a lie.” She squeezed her eyes shut and nodded vigorously, a small squeak escaping her throat.

“Here’s how this is going to work. You will not talk to Kellin. You will not engage in any activites with Kellin. You will stay. The. Fuck. Away. From. My. Boyfriend. If you fail to comply, there will be nowhere you can hide from me. Nowhere you will be safe. I made it so easily into your house this evening. Know that I can do that any night. And if I think you said more than two words to him, you will not wake up the following morning. Am I being proper clear? Look at me. Clear?”

Her eyes, terrified, her breath shaking she nodded slowly. Letting her go, Oli turned on his heel as she drifted down to the floor. He left her there, holding in his panic until he was safely back at the cougar. He hated the part of himself that could threaten so easily, but Oli knew he would do anything to keep Kellin safe, even if it meant tearing himself apart.

Vic left when Oli entered, exhaustion on his face, and Oli checked on Kellin, sleeping soundly, curled up with Oskar. Oli watched his boyfriend breathe slowly, in and out as he got changed. He had nearly lost that this evening, and an aching fear began to take root around his heart. Sliding under the covers he spooned the other boy, wishing to take back all the things he had yelled earlier to push him away. He never wanted Kellin to leave his sight again. He needed him too much, and Oli couldn’t let him go. Never again.

              

 

               It was as if everything had been erased. Once Oli accepted his apology, Kellin snapped back to his usually, messy, graceless, adorable self. He whined about classes, studied hard, ate all of Oli’s pistachios, played (and lost at) FIFA with Vic, watched movies with Oli and of course reinstituted himself as the resident heat source in their bed. Kellin had gone back to the way he had always been. It was Oli who felt he had changed.

               At first he thought it was just because of stress, waking up at nights, hearing the ring of his cell phone in his dreams. He caught his heart racing for no reason, and he would break out in a sweat, doing something as mundane as making Kellin’s lunch for the next day. Every time he looked at Kellin he remembered the phone calls where he had collapsed at calculus, nearly been raped, or the text that his father was going to sell him to the sex trade. What was next?

               The worst was whenever Kellin left their apartment, and was away from Oli. Cerebrally, Oli knew he couldn’t stop him from leaving and living. He had to go to class, after all, but every time he did, Oli would sit on the bathroom floor trying to gather himself and squelch down the panic. He wanted to text him all the time to be sure of his safety. He wanted to call him after every class. But he didn’t. Kellin hated being controlled and restrained, and Oli knew him well enough at this point that it would just push them to where they had been a week ago. There was nothing he could do but try and control this black, insidious fear that seemed to be taking over his life.

               It was bad enough that by Wednesday, when Vic called him to ask if he wanted to get pizza for dinner on his way home, Oli had started crying when he saw Vic’s contact information calling him.

               “Dude, are you crying?”

               “No…no I just…I banged my foot on my desk. S’nothing.”

               “Ok…well do you want pizza?”

               “Yeah I can…hand me to Kellin and I’ll see what he wants on his.”

               “Sure. Here’s your muffin.”

               Kellin’s voice was a balm to his nerves. “Hey baby, your foot ok?”

               “Yeah. Just banged it,” Oli sighed in relief. “What do you want on your pizza?”

               “Pineapple, ham and pepperoni. You know that.”

               “I know. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

               “Well hurry up at work and you’ll hear it sooner,” the higher voice on the other end flirted.

Jordan had started back that day, and Oli was happy to have him back knowing Eliot had done so well at the hospital that they had finally sent him home the previous day. The downside to this was that Oli could no longer randomly start crying unless he wanted to draw many unwanted questions. This was hard though, as since the weekend of Kellin’s las party Oli’s sudden bouts of fear and terrible feelings had been coming more frequently, to the point where they were slowing down his designs, and he got upset by things that no one should have cried about.

The first had been having to move the arrival dates for a few pieces back, as there had been some crop concerns with the cotton. It really wasn’t a big deal, and wouldn’t affect their sales or output much, but Oli found it extremely distressing. Another was in making dinner one night, he ran out of onions, and couldn’t make the dish he had told Kellin he would. It had taken every ounce of his will not to fall completely apart, and he’d had to scrub at his face to get the tear tracks off before Kellin came home. Of course then there was the incident at work where in washing his ceramic mug from Kellin, it had banged against the sink and chipped. Only a few tears had managed to escape then, but Jordan caught them.

“You didn’t cut yourself did you?” He’s asked, concerned.

“No…”

“It’s just a mug, and a rather ugly one at that,” cheered his friend.

“I…Kellin made it for me,” he said softly.

“Ah, well then. We’ll figure out how to glue that little piece back on. I know we have some fabric glue around here…”

Everything came to a head that Friday. It was raining and Oli had been running a bit late, but thankfully nothing too important was on their boards except to continue to work on their summer collection. It might have been fine, except for the lack of sleep and the feeling that he was balancing on the edge of a knife.

“Oli, can you come here? I need your opinion,” Jordan asked brightly, walking over with a binder.

Oli met him half way, sipping at the now cold tea in his hideous mug.

“Do you want to go with the blue or red pattern for the skulls on that blouse?” Jordan asked, opening the binder, and showing him each. It was a simply question. It really was. Red or blue? Blue or red? But in that moment, panic entered Oli’s mind once again, and unlike before when it had simply sloshed over from the Dam in his mind which held it back, the structure gave way.

Paralyzed with panic, heart racing, the mug slipped from his hand and shattered across the hardwood floor.

“Oli?” Jordan asked quickly, eyes going wide as his employer and friend sunk to the floor.

Desperately Oli tried to shut out the feeling, hands tangling in his hair as he screwed his eyes shut and tried to control his breaths. There were snakes around his ribcage. He couldn’t draw a lung full. He didn’t know what to do, and he couldn’t stop the sheer anxiety rolling harshly into him.

“Oli! Shit! Are you having a fit? Oli?!” Jordan tried to reach him, but everything was fuzzy and disorienting. Nothing made sense except the panic.

“Ph…phone. C-call Kells…” he choked out, and was driven under.

 

 

 

Kellin felt bad, really he did. Oli could be vindictive, but it appeared never with him, and forgave him their argument readily. Kellin of course still guilt tripped himself silently for several days, but Oli appeared to have let his transgressions go. In fact, besides how quiet Oli seemed at times, Kellin hadn’t expected to be forgiven so easily. He had been prepared to grovel for at least a few days.

Oli would have none of it though, going back to his usual routine of working on Drop Dead, cleaning the apartment, cooking meals, making the bed, and caring for Kellin as he always had. There was a new layer though. A sort of tension that seemed to hang in the air between them, but Kellin couldn’t figure out what. It was like waking up from a dream, and then trying to remember it. Sometimes the way Oli looked at him, as if he never wanted Kellin out of his sight, the feverish instensity with which he washed his face, and the inability for his smiles to reach his gorgeous hazel eyes had Kellin wondering. The phone call about pizza had been strange. But there was nothing overt. No struggle to get out of bed. No desire to stay on the couch wrapped in a hoodie and blanket for the day. Nothing Kellin could address as he always had. And still, the tension was there.

When he had returned to school he had been prepared to confront Miranda, but found he didn’t need to. The young woman was terrified of him. At first he thought it was because she was embarrassed at being caught in the act, but after talking to Vic about it, his best friend confessed that it had likely been Oli.

“What?”

“When you went to bed that night, Oli had me watch you. Said he had to check on Jordan, who was in the hospital, but I thought it was strange, cause he was back so soon after. I bet you he told Miranda off.”

Kellin frowned. “Why would he…?”

“To protect you. He’s always been a little intense about that. You should have seen him when he asked who it was. If looks could kill…”

“At least I was smart enough to have you with me,” Kellin thanked, to which Vic just shrugged off.

“Water under the bridge.”

But it wasn’t. At least not for Oli and he, and he didn’t realize it that until Friday. The tension that had been pervading their little apartment was still present, but at class Kellin wanted to doze through his last lecture with Vic. He was looking forward to spring break, and was absently planning some things for he and Oli to do, since Vic was going up to visit Rachel for the week, their spring breaks thankfully coinciding.

Coming out of the last class he saw a missed call from Oli, but with the noisy hallways, waited till he was outside to ring back. It was frigid again, the usual bipolar spring that occurred in Detroit, but at least the sun was shining.

“Kellin?” an unfamiliar voice answered.

“Who is this?” he stopped walking, Vic shooting him a confused glance.

“I know you don’t know me, but my name is Jordan Fish and I work for your boyfriend. I’m really sorry to call you like this. I know you’re in class-“

“Why do you have Oli’s cell?” Kellin asked with ire.

“The doctors gave it to me to hold on to,” the voice on the other end explained kindly.

“Doctors?! Where’s Oli? What’s wrong with him?” Vic’s face reflected the alarm in Kellin’s voice.

“I don’t know. All I did was ask him his choice on two different colors and he…he just sort of had this panic attack. He started crying and I couldn’t get him to stop, and he couldn’t get himself to stop, so he had me take him to Kingswood Hospital where is doctor is, not that I knew he needed this sort of doctor and-“

“Hold on, I’ll be right there,” he commanded, and looked desperately to Vic. “We need to get to Kingswood. Something’s wrong with Oli. Can you drive? I don’t…I don’t know if I…”

“Breathe Kellin. I’ll get you there,” Vic assured as they hurried to the beat up Aries.

“I should have known something like this was going to happen. He’s been off all week…”

“Dude, he’s been off this whole semester,” Vic sighed. Kellin gave him a questioning look. “Rachel was right…” he whispered to himself.

With Rachel’s warning echoing in his mind, Kellin catapulted from the car as soon as it stopped, Vic on his heels. He asked for the name, and the receptionist divulged, only to have Kellin tearing down the hallway until he came to a room with a one way window and froze. Inside was his boyfriend, perched on the edge of his bed like a breakable china set on the counter, dressed in the white outfit they gave to inpatients there. His hazel eyes were dull and drawn, and Kellin had never seen a more heart breaking expression on his face. A couple nurses fussed about him, and Kellin made to go in when he heard a british voice ask, “Kellin Quinn?”

Turning he saw a handsome man, perhaps a few years older than him, his blue eyes so light they were almost white. “Hi, I’m Jordan Fish. Oli’s assistant. I’m so sorry to meet you for the first time like this,” he extended it. Kellin accepted it numbly. “Oli told me as best he could I was to only call you and Dr. Orsbeck so…”

“What’s wrong with him?” Kellin asked, his throat feeling suspiciously tight.  

Dr. Orsbeck made her appearance from the room, closing the door quietly behind her, and saving Jordan from answering the question.

“Oli has suffered a mental breakdown, to put it mildly,” she said softly, as if speaking to a wild animal. “I want to keep him here for a few days until we can figure out what’s going on and how to treat it. I’ve given him a sedative to calm him down, but he needs more intensive therapy now,” she said, and then asked Kellin in an even quieter voice. “Has he talked to you at all? About his anxiety and the problems he’s been having?” Kellin shook his head, in shock. Oli hadn’t mentioned anything. “I thought not. If it’s at all possible, I would like to include you in his therapy. There are family sessions we can schedule around your school…”

“I’ll come whenever you need. It’s spring break next week. And even after. Whatever he needs.”

She nodded somberly. “Alright. I’m going to go back in and help get some things ready for him to stay. Just sit tight for a bit.”

Kellin nodded in affirmation and his eyes flicked back to where he watched an orderly bring over a small tray, maneuvering Oli like a doll as he clipped the plastic inpatient tag around his delicate wrist, and then proceeded to turn on the clippers. In horror he watched as the chocolate locks fell, the same locks he had run his hands through so many times, that always smelled so good. Down and down they tumbled like Kellin’s silent tears until Oli was completely unrecognizable except for his tattoos and high cheek bones. And throughout, his boyfriend held that blank expression, withdrawn from the world. Another orderly came out and held out Oli’s clothes, along with his bracelet which had been snipped off his wrist, the leather band broken once again.

“Oliver is not allowed to have anything he can hurt himself with while he’s here, so I wanted to make sure you got these to hold on to.”

Kellin couldn’t speak, simply looked down at the broken bracelet, fingers ghosting over the inscribed phrase. How had Oli not told him? How could he…? Images of Oli’s face, quiet and withdrawn as he joked with Vic, a ghost floating around their apartment for the past few weeks came to him. He had been too busy partying and getting drunk to notice that Oli was falling apart at the seams. He could feel the chasm between them, and the endless guilt knowing he had put it there. This was not something Kellin had been missing for a week, but _months._ He should have noticed, should have asked. Instead he had been with Vic, drinking until the sun came up, putting Oli through the stress of that particular situation multiple times, too involved in his social life and grades to notice or care that Oli was withering inside, because Oli had still been there. He had still made the bed, cooked the meals, kept their apartment tidy. Kellin had treated him like an accessory instead of the sun around which he orbited. It was he who had dared to forget the sun, his sun.

Knees giving out, Kellin collapsed to the ground and buried his crying face in the clothes that still smelled of his sweet boy. Selfish. He was so selfish. He was the most pig-headed, selfish person in the world. Because of his stupidity Oli had stopped being comfortable enough to tell him what was going wrong. When had that stopped? He could remember shortly after they had met that he made Oli promise to be honest and tell him when things were bothering him. But that had stopped after Kellin had yelled at him last spring. He had almost lost him then, and he could almost hear the gears turn as Oli vowed silently not to burden Kellin with his problems again. It had certainly happened in fall semester when Oli had nearly worked himself to death, all without a peep to Kellin until he collapsed in the doorway. Now he had been in mental anguish for who knew how long, and Dr. Orsbeck seemed to be the only one who knew. Kellin hadn’t even known there had been a switch in his medication, and he used to be so good before…before…he had fucked everything up. Oli did so much for him- what purpose did Kellin even have in Oli’s life anymore?

Vic led him away from the room to wait, a comforting hand on his shoulder, though from the look on his face, was barely holding it together himself. Jordan followed like a lost puppy, and once they were sitting held out Oli’s phone. “Here you should have this,” he said quietly. “And I know you don’t know me that well, but if there’s anything I can do to help you with Oli…I mean he’s done so much for me and my family…but I’m sure you know about that right?”

Wet eyes glancing up, Kellin shook his head. “No…no he hasn’t…he doesn’t talk about his work too much…” He’d stopped trying after every conversation that mentioned Jordan had been shut down.

“Ah well, probably because you’re always on his mind then. He tells us all the time how smart you are, and how proud he is that you’re going to college, and how hard you work. You should know that we really owe him though. Oli hired me so that I could get my green card and stay because my wife was pregnant with our son-“

“Your what?” For some reason he had never envisaged Jordan being married.

“My son, Eliot. He was born last week. Oli even stopped by that day to see how we were. Here, look,” Jordan told him, pulling out his phone and bringing up a picture. Kellin’s heart caught in his throat. There was Oli, sitting in a hospital chair, holding a tiny baby, looking down at it as if it where more precious than all the jewels in the world put together. “This past Saturday though, Eliot had a brain hemorrhage, and the doctors wanted to send him to Children’s in order to get him treatment, but we weren’t sure we could afford it. But Oli had just come to say hello, and we were a mess. But he just dragged me over to the nurses, told them to do everything they could for Eliot, including take him to Children’s, and then went down to billing to make sure that Eliot would be taken care of if the insurance didn’t pick it up. And it was…you have no idea how grateful Emma and I are. Our baby boy is home now because of him.”

A wife. A son. Jordan wasn’t like Hannah at all, but jilted once, Kellin had assumed he might be. Instead he seemed compassionate and kind, indebted to Oli in a way Kellin couldn’t fathom. The acts of kindness from his own boyfriend didn’t surprise him though. Despite all that had been done to him, and his jilted look on life sometimes, Oli remained impeccably sweet and charitable, caring for those around him as best he could. For Jordan to be just as nice though was a knife twisting in his gut. Of course he talked about Kellin all the time too, and with a sick feeling, Kellin absently wondered when the last time he’d praised Oli in the same fashion in front of his friends. Fuck.

“Thanks, for telling me,” Kellin said softly. “I’m glad Eliot’s ok. Oli’s always thinking of other people. Oskar was at the office with you, right?”

“Oh, yes, but Vegan said he would take care of him until Oli or you picked him up.”

Kellin glanced at Vic who was sitting quietly beside him, a somber look on his face. “Don’t worry. I’ll pick up Oskar. Do you want me to run home and then I can come back for you?”

“Yeah…yeah get Oskar and I’ll stay here if he wants me to and…and I’ll be here,” Kellin murmured, trying to gather his broken thoughts. “I need to call his brother anyway. Jordan…thanks for taking care of Oli and getting him here.”

“Oh, no problem. I just…feel bad. I wish I would have known he was having problems,” Jordan sighed gently.

“You and me both.”

Vic left soon after to pick up Oskar and take him home, Jordan walking out with him after exchanging numbers with Kellin, the latter promising to let him know how Oli was doing, while the former promised to hold down the fort at Drop Dead. Dr. Orsbeck called him back shortly later.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you Kellin Quinn,” she said with a tired smile, the purple streaks in her hair not helping the effect. “I have heard you’ve been busy at school.”

“Too busy apparently. I just…is he going to be alright?” he asked her, a desperate undertone to his voice.

“Well, that really depends on how he responds to therapy. Oli’s brain is a tough nut to crack sometimes. I think we have dealt with his depression fairly well, with your help of course, but this anxiety he has is a tricky thing. We need to find something that works for him. I have a few ideas, but I think you two should reconcile first,” she said, giving Kellin a gentle smile, and stopping at the door to Oli’s room. Taking a deep breath, Kellin pushed the wooden door open.

The room was more like a hotel than a hospital room, a nice desk and wooden closet organizer creating a warmer, less clinical look. There were two beds, but only one occupant who was at the window, watching the sun slowly sink down toward the horizon. His mop of chocolate locks might be gone, but he knew that slumped posture anywhere. Kellin cleared his throat and immediately Oli looked back, his eyes more clear than when Kellin had seen him earlier. Tentatively, Oli retreated from the window and back to the shorter boy, eyes cast down, graceful fingers worrying the hem of his white shirt. “I broke my mug,” he uttered.

“What mug?” Kellin inquired in an equally muted tone. Of all the things to lead with, he hadn’t expected that.

“The one you made for me,” he answered miserably. “It had a chip, and I was having problems concentrating on things. I just…my head keeps getting fooked all the time, and it’s not Jordan’s fault. He just asked me what pattern I wanted and…I couldn’t think. I couldn’t decide. And that fear came back but it was so much worse, and my hands started shaking and the mug slipped and…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” Thin shoulders tensed as his body began to shake again, trying to hold in the tears that clawed their way out.

Immediately Kellin took him into his arms, rubbing his back and reassuring him. “I’ll make you another. It’s not a big deal Oli. I’ll make you as many mugs as you like, all of them as ugly as that first one,” he promised, trying to get the other boy to calm down.

But this did not seem to calm him very much. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” The words made Kellin want to throw up. Instead he leaned back and cupped the beautiful face in his hands.

“Oliver, you have nothing to be sorry about-“

“-but I tried so hard! But I just kept getting these weird panics, and I can’t stop crying and…and I hate my brain, and I hate being this fucking broken! And you’re always left trying to pick up my pieces and I hate it!”

“Oli, it’s not your fault. If anything, I should have never let you smash to begin with. Then neither of us would be here,” he said in a quieter voice, trying to get the other boy to calm down, guiding him to perch on the edge of the bed.

Wet, amber depths looked up at him, before Oli buried his face into Kellin’s chest. “I don’t want to be here…I just want to go home with you…please…”

“Oli, I don’t want you to get worse. Dr. Orsbeck says she has some ideas to help your anxiety, and she’s been pretty good this far. If she says you need to stay, you need to stay.”

“I hate these fookin’ places though. I just want to lay with you and make this all go away…”

“Well we can lay here,” Kellin compromised, crawling up onto the stiff mattress and pulling the other boy down with him. Oli allowed himself to be guided, his face the epitome of misery. Letting one arm encircle Oli’s hips and pull him close, Kellin rested another hand on the fragile tear-stained cheek, wiping gently with his thumb. “This is just a temporary step back. We will figure out how to help you, and you’re not going to have to live with that constant fear forever, ok? You will make it through this, even if I need to quit school and stay with you,” he reassured, though the look on Oli’s face let him know he wasn’t really buying it. Instead he just snuggled with Kellin, as if pretending they were home, Kellin proceeding to say nothing more and simply holding him until he fell asleep.

 

 

 

The next few days were some of the worst in Kellin’s life. Even with Oskar, the apartment didn’t feel like home with Oli in it. Kellin spent much of the quiet thinking about how badly he had screwed up. It was so ironic that they lived together now, yet never seemed so far apart. He let the last few months play over in his head again and again, all the mistakes he’d made, all the signs he’d missed, all the tiny cries for help Oli had sent out. Oli deserved someone who wouldn’t miss those.

Oli wasn’t fairing much better in the clinic either, a constant coil of frustration and anguish. Group therapy was not good for him, Oli being too shy to say much and the small group simply sitting in circles unspoken. Medications took time to work for long term use, and in the meantime left him mildly nauseous all the time. At one point he burst out that if another nurse asked him if he was skipping meals or how something made him feel, they were going to get decked. This earned him a small red bracelet to go along with his white inpatient one so that no one would bother him unless it was family, friends, or Dr. Orsbeck.

In fact, calling family was one of the hardest things. The day after he was admitted, he had called him mother and talked to her for two hours straight. She, of course, had offered to come down, and assured him that the doctors at that hospital were very good, but it didn’t help much. Kellin knew the fault lie with him, not Oli. He had caused all of this mess. Oli needed someone so much better than him.

Calling Tom had been a lot more difficult, as he was terrified to admit how bad things were to the other boy. Heck they had fought last summer about Kellin’s blunder the previous spring. What was to stop him from rightfully placing the blame on Kellin once again?

               However, when Kellin talked to him, and when he showed up for the family therapy session and to visit with his older brother (their mother being in England again for business), he was calm and composed and seemed to harbor no ill will toward the raven-haired boy. After visiting hours had ended for the day, and he and Tom walked out together, Kellin finally confronted him.

               “Why aren’t you mad at me? Why aren’t you yelling at me that I should break up with your brother because I put him in the hospital again?”

               In the cold fluorescent light of the parking lot lamps, Tom raised an eyebrow at him. “You want to break up with Oli because you think you put him in the hospital?”

               Guilt overflowed from Kellin, “He needs someone better than me. Someone who won’t miss things and…I don’t know…won’t put him in a hospital.”

               Tom blinked and nodded, as if digesting the words and then said in a light voice. “You’re right. You may have contributed to putting him in the hospital. But I’ll tell you right now it’s better than the fucking morgue, because that’s where he’d be without you in his life Kellin. You might be under some grand delusion that Oli would be happier without you, that you’re responsible for his misery, but what you don’t seem to get is that miserable is Oli’s baseline. It’s how he is all the time. It’s how he was for years before you. He’s always been sensitive. He’s always been a bit sad, even if mum didn’t see it. It’s you who got him smiling Kellin, and I’m pretty sure you can get him smiling again. Just…handle with a bit more care. He always will be a bit fragile, I think. But you can bring his smile back.”

               Kellin spent the rest of the evening marinating on Tom’s words. They made sense. Oli seemed to be at his worst when alone or when Kellin had thrown a chasm between them. But that didn’t stop the fact that Kellin had still fumbled the situation by letting that distance between them fester and grow, and so it was to his best friend he turned the next day for advice.

               Rachel had come down to visit Vic instead of vice-versa after hearing about Oli, and it was while the girl was showering that Kellin was alone with Vic to broach the subject. Vic was just finishing breakfast, waiting for Rachel so all three could visit Oli that day. Kellin sat opposite him, playing with the scrambled eggs and not really having much interest in them.

               “Dude,” Vic called, getting his attention. “Just spill already. You worried about Oli? Or something else?”

               How did he begin? “I don’t know if I’m the best person for Oli,” he said quietly. “Tom said I shouldn’t break up with him, but…”

               “And Tom’s right,” Vic said finishing the rest of his breakfast. “I know you feel shitty about Oli being in the hospital, but the blame isn’t entirely yours. Some of it’s on me.”

               Kellin looked up sharply, “On you?”

               “Yeah, on me,” Vic gave him a tortured glance. “We went partying because I missed Rachel, and I had a great time, but all the while I could see you and Oli drifting further apart, and it bothered me. Oli was reverting back to how he was when we all first met, and you…you were becoming someone I didn’t recognize. We both were. And I should have said something then. But I thought you had it handled, and I was wrong. And I’m sorry for that. It tears me up to see Oli in the hospital, knowing I contributed to it.”

               Kellin shook his head, repeating what Tom had told him the night before. “Miserable is his baseline, Vic. And what do you mean I was becoming someone you didn’t know?”

               “I don’t know,” Vic sighed. “Like, how many guys have you slept with, before Oli?”

               Kellin looked away, flustered, “I don’t know. Four or fi-“

               “Eight. You’ve slept with 8 other guys and you never really cared for any of them. You’ve always been my best friend Kellin, but in the relationship department, you were always kind of shallow. But then Oli came along and BAM! You’re attentive and genuine, and you were always looking out for him. And you’ve always had my back, I know, but there was more there too, like you cared about things a bit deeper or looked after things better. You stopped being…what’s that word…capricious! And Oli helped you with that. Oli made you a better person. Now I don’t know why you’ve slipped back, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be that good Kellin again. Because as far as change goes, you’re way better with Oli, than without him.”

               The words flowed over him like some ancient text, profound and provoking. He had never noticed himself changing, both before and after, but Vic was right. Ever since he had met Oli, while still impulsive and himself, Kellin loved a bit more deeply, and took less for granted. He had been generally happy before Oli, but when he was with him everything burned a little brighter. Those lows were low, but the highs were so high that NASA should hire him, because he was a master of the stratosphere.

               “Thanks, I get what you’re saying. I just-“

               “You boys ready to go?” Rachel’s voice interrupted them as she walked into the kitchen fully dressed.

               “Yep, we’re coming,” Vic answered, sharing a glance with Kellin before getting up. Kellin followed suit.

               It was warm and rainy that day, the promise of spring on it’s way, and Kellin had to shake his hair out when he walked into the building. Oli was in between therapy appointments, and as such was curled up in a chair by one of the windows of the social room, reading one of the books Kellin had brought him from home. He knew Oli would have preferred to have stayed in his room in the quiet, but was required to be out in the great room for a certain length of time a day.

               Kellin went to hail him, but Rachel grabbed his hand, letting Vic, who was walking in front of them with a focused look, approach Oli alone.

               “He-“

               “Vic wants to talk to Oli alone for a little bit, and apologize,” she said, watching Vic sit across from the boy in white. Oli looked over to them briefly, and then back to Vic as the two started to chat with one another, too far away for Kellin to make out any of what was being said. Vic was shorter than Oli by a good six inches, but Oli always seemed to be trying to take up as little space as possible, and thus did not appear any larger.

               “I wanted to talk to you anyway,” Rachel sighed, watching her boyfriend and Oli, something soft and sad in her chocolate eyes.

               “I take it you want to yell at me for putting him in the hospital again?”

               “I thought about that. I thought about all different sorts of things when I was driving down, but this time I don’t think I need to tell you that you were being an idiot.”

               “Yeah I’ve been doing that enough for myself.”

               “I would imagine you have. I overheard you talking to Vic though, and I agree with him. You’re better with Oli, and Oli is better with you. I would add that Oli is also a lot more mature than you though, and with all that’s happened to him, I don’t think that’s a surprise. It just means that you need to catch up.”

               “Catch up?”

               “Yeah. When I was here last time, I noticed how imbalanced you guys were. Not only was Oli not happy, he was doing all the work in the relationship. He cooked for you, cleaned, paid for everything, gave you his undivided time and attention for my entire stay. And it’s like watching someone water a plant everyday, waiting for it to produce fruit so that they can not starve, and then never getting any. You’re an idiot, but even you know someone is going to starve like that. Oli is mature enough to take care of you. Now you need to mature enough to take care of him. And not this bullshit once in awhile when he’s having a bad day. I mean, wake up every morning and chose him, because he sure as hell chooses you.”

               Could he do that? Was Kellin capable of doing that for Oli? Long after visiting hours were over he lay in their bed, Oskar taking up Oli’s side in his absence. The poor dog seemed to miss going for runs with Oli in the mornings, and had instead been a pistol all week what with Kellin coming and going at hours to visit Oli and check in on Drop Dead.

               He liked to think he was capable, but it was a big decision. On one hand, it was easy to remain as he was, petulant and happy, partying his weekends away, not worrying about much beyond his hangover and his grades. Change was hard, and taking responsibility was daunting and exhausting just thinking about it. Turning over in bed he stretched out a hand, feeling the cool sheets and knowing another body should have been there. He thought about Oli, the shy, guarded looks when he first met him, seeing all his tattoos and scars for the first time, the crown of flowers coupled with a smile, holding off the artery in his leg as Oli grew colder, the warm hand in his own as he got his first tattoo, low voice crooning to him, the figure in front of him, defending him always. He thought of England, the pictures of a chubby little boy, walking in among the heather on the moors, the tender care in Edinburgh, the hill by the Loch, and of course that first glorious night when Oli finally claimed him as his own. He remembered the fall semester, little notes in his lunches, sitting side by side as they worked in the study, encouragements when he faltered in his studies, and that warm, safe feeling he fell asleep with every night, knowing he was so thoroughly loved, that his very soul seemed to glow.

               In the end, there really was no choice at all.

 

 

 

 

               Oli hated these hospitals with a passion. Nearly as much, in fact, as he hated the anxiety that had landed him in one.

               The first 48 hours had been very rough. With Kellin not in his sight Oli had felt the undertoe of panic constantly with him, until in one therapy session he finally divulged that Kellin had almost been raped the previous weekend, and he was scared something might happen to him. This had been one of his longest therapy sessions ever, and while he had spent the majority of it mixed up and crying, they finally unearthed the spike that had been thrown that had caused him to derail. Oli’s depression had become fairly well controlled, but in doing so, his anxiety was unearthed. This, coupled with the stress of Kellin drifting from him had caused it to worsen to an unmanageable level. The one medication Dr. Orsbeck had thought to try was clearly not working for him, and that, along with his inability to look after Kellin 24/7 had triggered the mental breakdown.

               After that session, Dr. Orsbeck discussed a new drug on the market which seemed to be working better in people his age, and that he might need supplemental therapy still, Dr. Orsbeck had an idea of how to deal with that, though she didn’t divulge that to him.

               Each day beyond that session seemed to improve incrementally. Oli hated his new short hair, and detested group therapies. The food was alright, though vegetarian options were limited as usual, and left Oli hungry at times. The one on one sessions were decent and made him feel a bit better, and of course being visited y his friends and family were the highlights of his day. Tom had spent much of their time together discussing school and the photos he had seen of Oli in the one magazine his girlfriend had been holding, and of course asking all the questions his mother had asked him to. Vegan, Mat, Jordan and Lee even visited him in their own time, and while at first highly embarrassed, the others seemed nothing but supportive and genuine in wishing him well and a speedy recovery.

                The oddest encounter of the week though, was definitely Vic. He had been expecting Kellin, Rachel and Vic to visit him for a little bit, but was a bit confused when it was just Vic at first, Kellin and Rachel remaining across the room, talking amongst one another.

               “Hey man, how you feeling?” Vic asked, sitting tentatively into the padded chair across from him.

               “Like the next person to ask me that is getting wrecked,” Oli tried to joke, though he really did hate that question when he was in here. When he saw the color drain from Vic’s face though he asked in a softer tone, “why are you acting like you killed Oskar?”

               “Because I want to…to…”

               Oli tilted his head, “To what?”

               “Look I know that Kellin’s my best friend, and he always will be, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to automatically take his side if he doesn’t deserve it, and for the record, I’m your friend too. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it lately, but I am. You’re a good egg, as my mom would say, and I know you did a lot for me to try and cheer me up, and I feel bad that I didn’t do the same for you. I guess I want to apologize really.”

               “Vic, that’s not really-“ Oli tried to stop him, feeling uncomfortable. This wasn’t really Vic’s fault.

               “Naw dude, I do. From now on, if Kellin isn’t there, or you two are fighting or something, remember that I’m your friend too, and that you can come to me, and if I’m being shitty, you can always tell me to my face. I don’t do subtle. Just ask Rachel. Alright?”

               “Alright.”

               “We good?”

               “Aces.”

               Vic looked immediately relieved, “Awesome. Got that out of the way, so now I can give you these!” Excitedly he pulled several foil wrapped fat tubes. “I made you some since I thought the food here might be- hey! You might want to heat it up!” He warned as Oli snatched a burrito, tore it open and took a huge bite and hummed in bliss.

               Swallowing he said, “You can totally make up everything you think you owe me by teaching Kellin to make these…”

               “Dude, I’m a human with some cooking skills, not a miracle worker.”

               At this Vic laughed and Oli managed the first half smile he had made in days.

              

 

               Things seemed to improve after that. The new medication seemed to be helping, and Oli found himself falling into random panic less and less. The waves of emotion behind his dam were controlled again. The other problem was Kellin. He had been withdrawn all week, and Oli worried that him being in the hospital was negatively affecting him, but in true Kellin fashion, the other told him about it when he was ready.

               A week to the day Oli had entered the hospital, Kellin came to spend the day with him, the last day in his week of spring break. He was slated for a family therapy session that afternoon, but Kellin came first thing in the morning to give them time together.

               The air was balmy and warm, a fine spring day, though snow was in the forecast for the weekend. The courtyard had a few other patients milling about as Kellin strolled with Oli, trying to find a sunny spot for them to sit in the quiet. As he had been for the last week, the raven-haired boy was reticent, though Oli noticed some nerves as he ran his fingers repeatedly over the straps to his drawstring backpack.

               “Dr. Orsbeck said she wanted to try something new with us this afternoon,” Oli said as they sat, letting his fingers trace Kellin’s tattoo on his arm before Kellin held his hand with his own.

               “That’s good,” he said quietly, and Oli watched his face pinch, as if trying to think of a way to word something painful. “Oli, you know I love you very much, right?”

               “Aye…” Oli slowly drawled, not liking where this conversation was going.

               “And you know how sorry I am, for everything right?”

               “Kellin we’ve been through this. My anxiety-“

               “-was not helped by me, because somewhere along the way you stopped telling me, and I stopped paying attention. Oli do you remember when we first met?”

               “Yeah, you got assigned to me in chemistry.”

               “And you threatened Derek to protect me and had a sensory overload situation in Chorus, and the next day you were so confused that I wanted to hang around with you. And it was then we made a compromise. I promised to tell you if I felt I was out of my depth, and you promised to let me help you. And after a whole lot of shit, including almost dying, you said we had outgrown that promise, but Oli, I don’t think we did. I think I need to let you know when I don’t know what’s going on with you, and you need to let me in to help you. I had no idea you were struggling with anxiety until this, and I know a lot of that is me, but I want you to beat it into me from now on, and I’m going to amend my portion of the agreement, cause I’m not walking away any time soon.”

               Oli frowned at him as Kellin rooted around in his bag to retrieve what he wanted. “Kellin…”

               He might have continued, but Kellin retrieved the crown of bright yellow daffodils, bejeweled with a single red rose and looked at it thoughtfully. “Y’know, earlier this week, I thought you needed someone better than me, and if I left you, you might get better, that it was me who was causing all this.” Oli felt his stomach clench. Was Kellin breaking up with him? “But your brother of all people reminded me of what you were like before you met me. He said you’re better when you’re with me.”

               “I am…” Oli whispered determinedly.

               “Vic convinced me that I’m a better person when I’m with you too, though I know I haven’t been that lately. You, me, we’re better together, but I was letting you do all the work. You were putting me before everything, while I put everything in front of you, and I want you to know that that ends now. You called me your prince, once upon a time. Every day I wake up from now on I will choose you, because you’re my knight in shining armor, and you’re always there when I need you. And I’m not just going to help you when you fall off your horse, but I’m gonna help you saddle the horse, feed the horse, and of course defeat all our enemies, even if they’re as mundane as getting out of bed, or remembering to pack a lunch for yourself as well as me, or keeping our little kingdom clutter-free.”

               Kellin gently set the crown on Oli’s head, watching as happy tears slipped from his eyes.

               “You’re always placing crowns on my head and looking after me every day. It’s about time I do the same for you, and I’ll give you my all, because I love you more than anything. Take all of me. I swear I’ll be better than before.”

               The last sentence what murmured against thin lips, and Kellin captured Oli’s with his own, sealing his promise with a searing kiss. How he had miss this adored feeling, the warmth spreading to his toes, his fingers tingling with heat. How long had it been? It didn’t matter, because he would never have to go without again.

 

               “That’s a lovely headpiece,” Dr. Orsbeck complemented Oli as the two boys entered her office. Cheeks turning pink, he unconsciously reached up and touched the soft petals, thinking of removing it before he saw Kellin beaming at him. He let it be.

               Both boys sat on the couch opposite her, Kellin’s hand slipping into his own without pause. Dr. Orsbeck of course caught it and smiled kindly. “I see you two are doing better? That’s good. In fact overall you seem to be improving Oli, and I’d like to let you go home, but I want to add some backup in case you need it, which is what this session is about.”

               “What sort of backup?” Oli asked, hoping for something that wasn’t just another pill.

               “What do you know about service dogs?”

               Of all the words to come out of her mouth, Oli hadn’t been expecting that.

               Kellin jumped in. “Aren’t those for the blind and people with seizures?”

               “They can be, certainly, but I have a friend who trains dogs for psychiatric service help. Earlier this month I asked her if she had any ready for anxiety, and she had one in training, who just graduated last week from the course with flying colors,” she explained, standing and walking to the door to the adjacent room. Oli’s watched her curiously as she disappeared for a moment, before returning with a lovely white fluffy dog. The dog’s huge ears were almost comical, but her intelligent, dark eyes immediately locked on Oli, and as Dr. Orsbeck released the leash, she made a beeline to him. Oli’s fingers instantly sunk into her soft fur in wonder as she sat between his legs, as if instinctively knowing exactly who needed help in the room.

               “This is Luna. She was picked up as a stray at the shelter, and my friend adopted her because she has some really wonderful potential, which she proved. She is trained to deal with anxiety attacks, and I feel like she would be a great service dog for you. What do you think?”

               Oli could only crack a smile, his first one in weeks, burying his inked fingers in her soft snowy fur, the dog looking up at him with an adoring look, tongue lolling out to the side.

               Kellin answered for him. “She’s perfect.”

               The next day, Oli was released, and Kellin could not have been more ecstatic to have him home. Their apartment warmer, and despite their initial reservations, Oskar was very excited to have a new friend, and took to trying to get Luna to play constantly. However, if Oli thought things would go back to the way they were, he was very wrong, which turned out to be a good thing. In fact that afternoon when he came home, tired and ready to sleep in his own bed, he found out that things would not slip back into the same old routine. 

               It started when he went to make dinner. Opening the freezer to figure out what to feed them when he heard Kellin’s voice. “What are you doing?”

               “I was going to make dinner. I’m proper hungry and sick of eating hospital food.”

               This earned him a slightly sympathetic look. “Baby I can tell you’re tired. Go have a shower, get comfy, and I’ll make dinner.”

               Oli eyed him skeptically. “Since when do you cook…?”

               “Vic taught me how to make tacos last week! And I can make yours with beans. I even picked up avocados the other day,” Kellin added absently, rooting around their fruit bowl past the bananas and apples for the dark skinned delights. They turned out to be tasty enough as well, Oli eating happily, grateful for not having to make them. He assumed that the meal was a one-off, welcome home, I-know-you’re-tired sort of thing though.

               He realized it wasn’t when the next morning, as he went to make Kellin’s lunch, he saw two lunch pails sitting in the fridge, labeled with each of their names.

               “Kells, did you make our lunches?”

               Kellin shrugged as he helped himself to cereal, “I figured we could alternate lunch duty, as long as you don’t mind salads or sandwiches. That ok?”

               Blinking, Oli took in his words. “Sure, love.” Grabbing his almond milk for his own cereal he affectionately kissed Kellin’s temple as he sat, earning him a sweet smile.

               Things continued like this the rest of the week, tiny things here and there that lead to the lightening of the load on Oli’s shoulders. The bed was made when Oli got out of the shower, and the dogs’ dinner ready when he came home. He only had to cook dinner and make lunches every other day.

His employees were very happy to have him with them again as well, Vegan even bringing a small cake to welcome him back from the vegan bakery down the street, and the others going in on a dog bed for their new employee, Luna. Lee was especially a fan of her, and if she wasn’t constantly with Oli, she liked to hang out to watch Lee work on the machines. Oskar remained Jordan’s favorite, following him around the office and stealing Luna’s new bed from time to time, ever the anxious goofball.

Between Luna and the medication, the panic that been pervading his life ebbed away, though like his depression was always there if he really reached inside himself. Most of the time he didn’t think of it, especially with Kellin helping him to adjust to the new level of their relationship.

The crowning moment of the week, however, came on Saturday morning. Oli was surprised to wake up with Kellin’s side of the bed empty. With Luna laying across his bladder, he extricated himself desperately from the warm sheets, blinking at the bright sun shining in the window. Yawning and thinking of tea as he came out of the bathroom, through the bedroom to the kitchen he paused in bewilderment.

Standing at the sink was Kellin in his sleeping boxers and shirt, pouring a bottle of spirit down the drain, several others lined up on the counter.

“What are you doing, Kells?” Oli asked softly.

Kellin gave him a neutral look and shrugged. “Getting rid of a problem.”

“Love, you don’t have to-“

“I don’t want this to ever come between us again,” Kellin said with finality, and Oli knew there was no way he would change his boyfriend’s mind on it.

It was then he noticed the little gift bag on the table. Tilting his head and approaching it he asked, “What’s this?”

“For you,” Kellin said simply, though Oli could hear the barely suppressed smile in his voice.

Curiously, Oli reached in, and pulled out the ugliest mug he had ever seen, now a disgusting pea green color. Oli could feel himself grinning. “It’s perfect.”

“There’s a second thing in there too,” Kellin added, setting down a bottle and turning around to watch him.

Oli reached in again, rooting around and pulling out the repaired bracelet, though it had been modified. It still had the bar with the heart and the inscription, along with a strong leather cord, but now the cord contained a charm. Inspecting it, Oli’s fingers ran over the red glass heart, a single word written on it.

“Amo?”

“It means ‘I love’ in Portuguese. And then, I also liked it’s like ammunition, for every day. And it also means ‘master’ in old European dialects, and I just…wanted to remind you, that I’ll follow you anywhere, and how much I love you, everyday…” Kellin explained, looking at the ground shyly, tucking his hair back.

A warmth spread throughout his limbs and settled low in his belly as Oli watched his boyfriend. Taking the bracelet, he came to stand in front of Kellin placing it in his hand and holding out his wrist expectantly. Lightning raced up his arm as Kellin’s gently fingers brushed the sensitive skin there as he clasped it, blue eye looking up to hazel and letting Oli know that the other boy had felt it too. His lips twitching to a smirk, Oli let his fingers entangle Kellin’s as he tugged him gently toward the bedroom door say, “C’mon love. Your bottles can wait.”

 

 

 

 

“Quinn, Kellin!” the announcer called, and Kellin felt the surreal moment as he walked across the stage in the ungainly gown, shaking a few hands and grabbing his diploma, then finding his seat again. Graduation was boring. He’d had to sit through several boring speeches and then had to shake hands, and he really would have skipped the entire thing, except for the proud and adoring looks from his mother and Oli in a quieter spot outside. It was those very looks that greeted him as he and Vic walked out to find their families afterward, Vic’s entire family cheering heartily as his mother rushed to give the shorter boy besitos.

After earning a hearty hug from his mother, Oli took his hand and kissed him, Luna at his side wagging her tail. He hadn’t been sure at first that Oli would want to come, given the crowd, but Oli had been rather stubborn, insisting that Kellin attend the graduation, and that he would be there to see it. They hadn’t worked the last four years for nothing!

“My baby boy! I’m just so proud!” his mother sighed, and Kellin rolled his eyes.

“If we don’t stop soon he won’t be able to fit his head in the car,” Oli chuckled, his eyes twinkling with humor.

“You’re just jealous that I’m higher educated now,” Kellin stuck out his tongue.

“Careful or I’ll bite that off.”

“I’m counting on it, later,” Kellin grinned, causing his mother to throw up her hands.

“Alright you two time to go get pictures with Vic as well…”

Oli returned the grin though, walking hand in hand with Kellin at a leisurely pace, his mother several yards ahead and out of earshot.

Kellin looked over to his boyfriend, noticing the pensive look on his face. “What?”

Oli shrugged. “Nothing. Just reminiscing. Thinking of all we came through, and how proud I am of you.”

Kellin blushed and looked away. “I think we worked equally hard, though I’m not sure where to go from here. I mean I have my internship but…”

“I was thinking about that and I think I know,” Oli answered.

“Really? What?”

“I think it’s time we had a space of our own.”

Kellin looked up at him, confused. “Besides our apartment?”

“I think beyond the apartment. I think a house would suit us better.”

Kellin’s eyebrows launched into his hairline, and his eyes widened. “Like a brick and mortar? Like our own lawn and garage and everything?”

A small smile played on Oli’s lips. “I looked up some realtors yesterday, but I wanted your input before deciding on one. What do you think?”

Kellin beamed, and pulled Oli to him, tugging on the waist of his suit pants. Leaning up he kissed the other slowly. As he finished, he couldn’t help but smile and say, “I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had.”

**Author's Note:**

> Another installment in! Their relationship has really matured, and while yelling at Kellin the entire time, it was necessary to help him grow I think. See if you get all the song references as usual. Give kudos or not. IDGAF


End file.
